He glared at Mr. Diddley’s yellow-toothed smile, and thought how he’d like to shove a toothbrush in his mouth and teach him how to use it.

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

People don’t talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a watercolor left in the rain. To understand what anyone is saying to us we must separate these noises into words and the...

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

Men don’t ask other men if they’re getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged.

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

What do you hope to get out of this meeting? – CIA Counterintelligence official, polling the audience before the start of a briefing on CIThat’s what I hope to get: out of this meeting. –...

I know how you feel about gears and mechanisms.

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

I was in love. Either that, or I was knocking on the wrong door. But it didn’t matter, because nobody answered.

It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it...

People often say that the English are very cold fish, very reserved, that they have a way of looking at things – even tragedy – with a sense of irony. There’s some truth in it;...

Men are like dogs,” Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the...

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you’ll be fine.

As a writer, you must truly possess a love for words.””Yes, that’s right,” I agreed.”I’ve noticed that some authors favor particular words, making frequent use of them. Do you have a favorite?”I nodded assuredly and...

So,” he called to her back, “Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?””You think it’ll be so easy?” she called back over...

Punctuation, is? fun!

We want Max to… breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies.”Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives...

I admit I get the occasional headache,” I said. “I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage,...

1980’s: not a time period but a state of mind.

Want me to flex my magic for you, baby?

Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it’s honey. In fact, I may not...

I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there...

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

Remember the part about big and scary.

As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I’d keep the...

I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.

I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. – Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my funk. I didn’t break any dishes either, but I did break dance.

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter.

There’s a very generous donation in the parish’s future if you make this fast. Ten minutes, at the most.”Frowning, the man fumbled open his liturgy. “There’s an established rite, Your Grace. Marriage must be entered...

The Evasive Cartwheel ™ © etc., Bartimaeus of Uruk, circa. 2800 B.C.E. Often imitated, never surpassed. As famously memorialized in the New Kingdom tomb paintings of Ramses III— you can just see me in the...

Mom actually said that?” Cassie’s face shown with happiness. “She always hated my math!””Nah,” Martin said. “She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents...