A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I like the name Lola, because it has LOL in the beginning.

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I’m right.

O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the...

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

What I’m expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you’re the one getting slapped with the stick.

Rock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rock–paper–scissors.

The truth is that circumstances had done much to cultivate in Mrs. Tristram a marked tendency to irony. Her taste on many points differed from that of her husband, and though she made frequent concessions...

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

It wasn’t because you weren’t beautiful, talented, funny, creative or had everything in common. It was because some men prefer plain vanilla ice cream. It’s predictable and a safe choice. Confident and adventurous men prefer...

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard

I don’t know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers. They spend all day thinking of the perfect plot on how to kill...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.

They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don’t know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You...

In the deepest, darkest depths of her heart where she kept all her dreams locked up in a pink journal decorated with ponies and unicorns, she’d fantasized about declaring her love for Sasha Karimi for...

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow? Trying your good plan tomorrow is the perfect plan today.

Follow the ideal doing,grind the beans just before brewing.Use spring water,for softened water,makes a horror.A parley perfect,between the coffee,and the milk,with some,brown sugar thick.” (Poem: An apology of a coffee lunatic, Book: Ginger and Honey)

This is so cool,” I said loudly as Dad walked away. “Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?” “He’s a she,” Mom said. “Is she hot? Cause I’m still young, you know. My...

One popular saying was, “The boy who goes into medicine is too lazy for farm or shop, too stupid for the Bar, and too immoral for the pulpit.

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder.

A drunk can’t follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.

I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

Your boy here-” Ware jerked his head in angry indication “can’t explain himself worth a damn.”That;s hardly news to me. Nonethelss,” Gareth said, “I can’t allow you to kill him. His death would be a...

This is what it’s all been about with you,” he said in an even tone. “All the fear, allthe running. The nightmares.” When she nodded, he said, “You called him the devil.””He is.” What are...

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.

The thing about friends is, you never know when you might need them. It’s always best to keep them imprisoned nearby.

Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.

Oh, it better not have just peed on me!” he screamed.

Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden...

I am overweight. But to me, it’s fat. I don’t have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. When I look in the mirror I don’t plunge into a depression and stick my finger down my throat or carve...

He had a prince’s looks but a pirate’s eyes.

In the tortoise and the hair fable, I believe the tortoise represents big business, while the hair represents small business. Not featured in the fable is the six-ton snail, which represents the government. Not only...

Welcome to Hell. Here’s your accordion.

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

She made my heart melt, like butter. I loved her over a juicy corn on the cob.

Anyone and everyone taking a writing class knows that the secret of good writing is to cut it back, pare it down, winnow, chop, hack, prune, and trim, remove every superfluous word, compress, compress, compress…Actually,...