I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Rule number one of anime,” Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in...

My girlfriend and I are close. She’s like a brother to me. My brother is also dating her. We make love like mannequins and mashed potatoes, despite the fact that I’m single and an only...

Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.

YOU FEAR TO DIE?”It’s not that I don’t want… I mean, I’ve always…it’s just that life is a habit that’s hard to break…

I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this because my love for you is slightly warmer and newer.

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is”Sure” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour

Oh, this is going to be fun; he actually thinks he’s teaching me something.

I meditate, and when I do, Prince Harry appears in my subconscious and meditates with me. It’s a little strange but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. Sometimes he’s not the...

The young man who stood there was the handsomest mad Rand had ever seen, almost too handsome for masculinity.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I’ll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?””Yum,” said Mogget.”Yes, sir!” mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried...

…by the end of my first week as an intern, I am just about ready to throw my pager out the window. A high window. Overlooking a trash compactor. Filled with highly corrosive acid.

Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier.

I love writing, and the feeling it brings me can’t be described by words. So here are a few grunting noises that capture my mood when I write: ugh, eek, umph, and ahh!

Walk your own path and be yourself

Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.

I don’t like writers whose writing is so obvious that I can predict what he’ll write while I’m still taking in his current thoughts. Why, this means that I know what he knows, and the...

My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats walking through a car wash, like I used to do when I worked...

Well, I’m about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.

They seem nice, though, your sisters, really,’ Porcelain remarked.’Ha!’ I said. ‘Shows what little you know! I hate them!”Hate them? I should have thought you’d love them.”Of course I love them,’ I said…. ‘That’s why...

Republicans approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke. They stand four-square for the American home–but not for housing. They are strong for labor–but they are stronger for restricting...

At least watching dirty movies can be kind of fascinating if they aren’t too horribly strange. And even the horribly strange ones are still more interesting than televised sports.

The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can’t have more than one king, and tradition demands that there...

His last name is either Groves or Graves or whatever the hell I wrote, trees or cemetery. We drank coffee like two people who should have been three.

I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can put our relationship back together. Just pass me the maple syrup.

Has he written to you?”He writes frequently.”Shew me his letters this instant, I order you’; and M. de Renal added six feet to his stature.

New Rule: You’re never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don’t look like you’re sensitive, you look like you’re homeless.The last guy to pick...

Men are from vaginas, and women are from women.

We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd’s house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it opened, this hideous, rubber monster face roared at us. Sam screamed. Todd started...

(About a cookbook…)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor…but they ends up Tarts.

Thanks, man, I appreciate you noticing me.” I was upset when he didn’t offer to buy me coffee.

I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic...

A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that’s when you know they really mean it.

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they’re friends of the environment. “At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.” Please–the only thing an oil executive has in common with a...

If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel. So to repay them, I’d probably relocate all the urinals to inside the...

Are you a female dog?””What?” Massie asked. “Why?””Because you are acting like a real bitch!

Your boss loves your ideas … it’s you he doesn’t care about.

Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the time, so what did I know about coffee?

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

I also drink Scotch. But I’m not picky. I’ll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.

I don’t think Will Herondale and a sense of responsibility are even on speaking terms

I can’t work well when I am under stress. It reduces me to normalcy. Stress is my kryptonite. And I usually don’t change in phone booths, though I do take long distance showers there.

This showed once again that everyone had something different to lose in this battle. Some were concerned for their lives, and some for those they cared most about: rays, sea horses, even the chickens that...

People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as “Is this the laundry?” “How do you spell surreptitious?” and, on a regular...

I’ve always felt that love and luck are two sides of the same pair of jeans. Pick a partner that won’t pick your pockets, and you won’t have to be plucky to find pleasure.

I’ll invite you to try my wedding. Free samples until Tuesday!

Can’t you just like a girl who likes you back?”None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.