I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

And the old man hugs him back and says, ‘Pinocchio?

If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window...

I fish better than any fish alive.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It’s called the sun. Let’s go get us a little.

But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

I am a man of peace [so he told Mother, but it always appeared to me that he was the most belligerent man of peace I had ever encountered]

The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a...

A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.

Literary detection and firearms don’t really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth.

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

Everything is, the way it is, for a reason. Or it isn’t. Or neither. Or both. It’s so hard to tell. It’s so hard to tell you’re a mile away by the Luke in your...

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.

You seem to know a lot about it,” she said. “And you do subtleties.””Yeah. Like I’ve always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide.””Well, there’s no need to be rude,” protested Sif.

I don’t like hot coffee that’s cold, or iced coffee that’s hot. Or leftover love in a rusty thermos.

If the government really wanted to stimulate the economy, it should distribute Viagra and coffee.

Well– I don’t know– the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. This isn’t correct. Revenge is a dish best served lukewarm or at room temperature (depending on the room) with a side of sauerkraut lightly sprinkled with...

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

I thought about kicking him in the balls, but I didn’t. I figured that would be over kill.” – Rendezvous with Destiny

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept...

Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.

How weird? We’re all dressed like people in a Jane Austen book. I think weird comes with the territory.

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world….Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about,...

It depends if I get the window seat.

If you love three people at the same time, choose the first one, because if there was a 4th or 5th one, you might still fall for them.

Prove to me that you deserved it.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

Kalle Fucking Blomkvist

You kids were all planned, you were just planned really, really quickly.

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

My farts smell like coffee. Drink them up. But slowly, because they’re hot.

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, “That’d better be your gun.” “Why yes, I always pack my gun where it’ll blow my balls off.”[Landon]

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?

People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to catch all the worms halfway across the world.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how boys think. If I knew that I’d be a millionare.

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I’d respond, “It’s like eating scrambled eggplant with a dozen 1969 moons sunny side up at noon.” If they asked me...

Civilization is vastly overrated.

You look lousy,’ he said. Jace blinked. ‘Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.”No I mean it. You don’t look good.”This is...