If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them.

Well, don’t stand about like that, man; if you’re no use you’re certainly no ornament. Bring that in and tell me what it says.

If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.

You look angry,” he said.”You put me on hold.””For a very good reason.””You put me,” she said very, very slowly, “on hold.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

I’m considering writing a self-help book and giving people 20 cents to read it. This way, I can be sure they all get new paradigms.

No, I’m not.

Can you be serious for two words? Not without effort.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

Twitter: Up to the minute details that are minute. I’d like to update and reaffirm my love for you every sixty seconds.

If I were you,And you were I,I would kill myself, But you would die!

Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see many people doing it.

Everything good I have written about can be summed up in two words: Ryan Lilly.” That’s a real quote I read in a real book. Trust me, I’m a writer.

You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Why?’Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn’t nail my...

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

Deep down, Story Easton knew what would happen if she attempted to off herself—she would fail It was a matter of probability. This was not a new thing, failure. She was, had always been, a...

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

I’m growing a love seat in my heart. It’s leather and covered in fur, from a mix up with my cat’s back, some glue, my tongue, and my confusion over how to best clean the...

Besides…where Rincewind went’ – he lowered his voice – ‘trouble followed behind.’Ridcully noticed that the wizards drew a little closer together.‘Sounds all right to me,’ he said. ‘Best place for trouble, behind.

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

But I’m really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven mitts, because they’re sure to be hot.

Alexia figured, delightedly, that this meant he did, in fact, tend to traipse around his private apartments in the altogether. Marriage was becoming more and more of an attractive prospect.

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Hey, Alec,” he said.The man was on his hands and knees, leaning his face into the middle of a bush; he grunted something that kind of sounded like a “Yeah?””Why are we spending so much...

It is said that whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and...

What do you think of Christmas?””I like it,” she said. “I think we should have it every year.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

Smartass Disciple: How the hell do we find the truth ?Master of Stupidity: Just seek it with hope it’ll find you.

Take life seriously but none of the people in it.

Love is meant to be felt, like a cat. I’m meowing for your affection.

Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.

I wonder how Admat can be everywhere. Is he in my sandal? Or is he my sandal itself? Why would a god bother to be a sandal? Does he wear shoes or sandals himself, invisible...

If she did bitch-slap me, I’d bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.

Leigh did what any sane female faced with such an e-mail would do: deleted it to resist the temptation of replying, cleared her trash to resist the temptation of recalling it, and then called tech...

A cat’s meow can be a scream, a laugh, a sigh, a hello, a yes, and even an I love you.

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

Let me be clear: I don’t want to make love to a mannequin—I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.

Somebody stop the world. I’m scared and I want to get off.

Marko Vešović sjedi u Staroj Grčkoj na bijelom kamenu…nad njim nebo..

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.