My deceit is shaped like a STOP sign. It’s also bright red. If you don’t observe it, it can be quite dangerous.

Do not mess with this man’s threads!

You saw my leg?””How can a man help what he sees?” he said. “And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

Remember, a lot can’t happen on Facebook since you last logged in as long as you’re logged in to Facebook.

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he’s in his office.

Nix to Declan:Begin transcript—Testing. Hello, hellooo, anybody out there? Check, check, one, two. Soft pee. Puh, puh. Resonance! Sooooooft pee. Alpha bravo disco tango duck.This is Nïx! I’m the Ever-Knowing One, a goddess incandescent, incomparable,...

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

One of my biggest fears is that I’m going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

There aren’t two political parties in this country, it’s all just one big party—and the citizens aren’t invited.

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

And then there’s the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office or while waiting outside my first-graders’ classrooms at the end of the school...

I doubt he will be alive long enough to know Agent Smith.”Then I slammed the door.

You don’t say.

Where would David Copperfield be if Dickens had gone to writing classes? Probably about seventy minor characters short, is where. (Did you know that Dickens is estimated to have invented thirteen thousand characters? Thirteen thousand!...

I hold my cats like any other broom you’d use to sweep the floor. I’m a janitor among animal lovers.

It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

Ish #109 “If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You’ll get there quicker.

I believe the examination of body image issues is important and valuable – particularly the swimsuit issue.

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.

I’ve had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I’m thirteen, but definitely not before then…

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy, so sure of himself, thinks his odds are 100 percent. The third guy,...

Six months ago when she first came up with the idea to kill Wilson, back when she was living in Memphis, she’d started going to church again. Since she was spending so much time thinking...

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

I thought Candy Mountain was a real place

Terror was the key, of course, for there’s a fine line between paralyzing dread and galvanizing fright.

Lo!” cried the demon. “I am here! What dost thou seek of me? Why dost thou disturb my repose? Smite me no more with that dread rod!” He looked at Cabal. “Where’s your dread rod?””I...

I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?

I love public speakers who give moving speeches—particularly if they bring boxes, packing tape, and dollies. The last local politician I heard speak was so moving that I took up residence in a new county.

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

Whoever invented the 360-degree feedback method was thinking outside the box, but not outside the circle.

It was ironic, really – you want to die because you can’t be bothered to go on living – but then you’re expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and...

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt...

So that’s little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you’ve inherited your mother’s brains.

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week...

How can it be a CIA client state when CIA is paying for it?

Wisdom of the Ages: “Skull and Bones” A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Sorry I painted the word ‘twat’ on your garage door.

How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18. Then try running for political office.

It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of...

I love you more, dumb ass.