A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

Always smile first thing in the morning.Might as well get it over with.

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.