Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

Dieting was cruel; it was an abuse of human rights. Yes, that’s what it was, and she should not allow herself to be manipulated in this way. She stopped herself. Thinking like that was nothing...

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

As an actress, or actr-ish, I’m jealous of everyone, regardless of gender or age. Sometimes parents will ask me how they go about getting their kids into acting, and my first thought is never, Oh,...

Watch it, loincloth, I’m not afraid to spork your eyes out.

Is love a gift from heaven? If it is, it’s often wrapped in disinterest and rejection.

Love allows us to remember the joy, and forget the pain. That’s why I write things down, to help me remember.

Intelligent men are dangerous.

My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise...

All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good.

I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body woke my brain up at 1:11 precisely, and I laid in bed trying...

If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need...

Living with hope is like rubbing up against a cheese grater. It keeps taking slices off you until there’s so little left you just crumble.

I take this continent with me into the grave.

What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I’d be lying. Actually, I’m only pretending that you aren’t on my mind. But I know that you don’t mind.

Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.

I watch you while you sleep. Is that love? It would be, if I put down my binoculars, and you picked up your phone.

Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

, odgovorim joj ja pospano dižući glavu s klupe.

Dear, he do have a problem.

We made love like the 1930s, only it wasn’t quite as depressing. Also, it only took me a half a decade to bring myself to orgasm.

(…) But Gaia had absorbed the new information. “I won’t need to kill billions, Diana. When Nemesis is gone, there will be no other like me. Just me alone. I will grow and spread, one...

When I’m exhausted, I can sleep through anything. One time I slept though a wall—and there wasn’t even a door or opening.

Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.

I write for the beauty of the printed word”from PREFACE to BIPOLAR BUFFALO

Soap?””School of America in Paris” he explains. “SOAP”.Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.

I figured out why I have such big hands. It’s to hold all the love I have to offer the world. So don’t get mad at me when I make you bring in all the...

If you’re anorexic, you’re doing it wrong.”I swat him with a dish towel. “No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they’re eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I’m...

I have detected disturbances in the wash.”The wash?”The space-time wash.”Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?”Eddies in the space-time continuum.”Ah…is he. Is he.”What?”Er, who is Eddy, then,...

I’m a fountain of knowledge, like a water fountain, only thirstier. And quenchier.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

I’d rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

I can’t say I can’t say can’t, because I can. I believe I don’t believe.

I can’t read your mind, you idiot.

so you suspect his death was a suicide.

In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full. That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.

Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a ‘possum stuck in your collar?

She sends me coupons, Declan.

I remember that year as well as he does, though I was really young then and he is really old now. So I had no memory formation then, and he has Alzheimer’s now.

Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet.

You can’t argue with a stupid, ignorant person, no matter how long you stand in the mirror.

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

I don’t understand how people canstand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They’re going crazy, screaming. They can’t take it that you’re there. But last year I was in the same club,walking...