Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

In the final analysis, it’s even money whether they’ll use the phrase ‘in the final analysis.

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

There is no such thing as a bad life. That’s what I call an experienced living.

A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.

Sure, politicians rob from us, the people—but only because it’s in our best interest. If they didn’t rob from us, somebody else would, and this other scoundrel wouldn’t even bother to wrap the theft in...

Secret 02.02. By skillfully employing peripheral vision, it’s actually possible to gaze into an abyss without the abyss gazing into you.

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are

A lot of men tend to want “models.” I tell men unless they look like a model themselves, they can’t expect to land one.

NORA [looking earnestly and a little doubtfully at him]. Surelyif you let one woman cry on you like that you’d never let anothertouch you.BROADBENT [conscientiously]. One should not. One OUGHT not, mydear girl. But the...

Well now,” the scholar went on, “I’m just an old fuddy-duddy who could use a tan, so you needn’t grant my opinion any authority, but I consider the queendom lucky that a handful of Milliners...

It is only about things that do not interest one, that one can give a really unbiassed opinion; and this is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless.

At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.

We scarified a mosquito. I bet that’s what did it. It was probably a virgin too.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

After years of immaturity, I finally have my act together. As far as acting, it’s very slapstick.

And now to sleep, to dream…perchance to fart.

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

Because when you’re a 23-year old party girl who has to pee you don’t really think about the possibility that your nerdy bouncer friend might suddenly start acting like a trench-coated pedophile who flashes kids...

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

It’s a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

I’ve always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…unless it instead snaps your spine. Then it makes you a paraplegic.

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are...

It’s often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong.

A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what I was doing on the night of June 6th, tell them I was...

By challenging the notion of what art is, Duchamp became a great artist. Also, Duchamp was a champion of Men’s Bathroom Attendants everywhere.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

My love is greater than a cheese grater, and was instrumental in the creation of the pizza industry. And by instrumental I mean an acoustic guitar.

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out – Thank you, drop dead!

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

I have always understood that money made in the patent medicine business is a practical bar to social success.

Watson,’ said he, ‘if it should ever strike you that I am getting a little over-confident in my powers, or giving less pains to a case than it deserves, kindly whisper ‘Norbury’ in my ear,...

Nature” doesn’t really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor’s pool...

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

You say: ‘Oh, please forgive’You say: ‘Oh, live and let live.’But sorry doesn’t help us.Sorry will not save us.Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say (so you say it anyway).Sorry doesn’t...

A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still and balanced and don’t let the brick fall off. Actually, keeping the brick...

I had a dream about you. You were the lead guitarist in a band with no voice, and you were holding auditions for lead singer. Everybody in line in front of me and behind me...

Bride, n. – A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?

Nothing says I love you like the gift of a half-eaten candy bar. I ate my half two weeks before I remembered to give it to her.

Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor.