The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Let’s play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, ‘Fifty is the new forty!’ Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as...

I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.

That does not qualify you as a chemist.

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

Like most humans, I am hungry…our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens...

The best part about a murder mystery dinner, of course, is the dinner. I make a killer Bubble and squeak, if you know what I mean. The mystery, of course, is what’s in the dinner.

wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it

If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.

Anywhere you are standing right now is like no where else on earth. So look at the cars, the trees, the buildings and soak it all in.

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend...

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time for close to twenty-five years.

I peeked in the bag. Do you know what was in there? I’ll tell you what was in there: a collapsible tray table. Is there any sadder purchase in this fucking world? Maybe a CD...

When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.

I’m clingy like clang on pots. My love is cookable.

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other...

Paranoia is habitual. If you get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner, then you’ll EXPECT to get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

(There was an idea much beloved and written about by this country’s philosophers that magic had to do with negotiating the balance between earth and air and water; which is to say that things with...

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

She was murdered by rebels.’ He took in her unconcealed look of shock. ‘So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.’ Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but...

We’ll make it a blowout like in the olden days.””When dinosaurs roamed the earth?” Teddy asked.”Exactly,” Dad said. “When dinosaurs roamed the earth and your mom and I were young.

You’re the one saying how vital offing these kids and grabbing their brat is to the war effort, right? Well, I’m telling you I need way more cash to do it right, so–Lying.How have you...

That’s our cue to depart.” “They know something ” I pointed out. “I know something too. I know we’re going to attract a lot of unwanted attention if they keep screaming. And then we have...

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it’s safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO...

English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.

It was comparable to getting sick from bad ventilation

Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Do everything that makes you happy”? Even if it means hurting somebody else?

A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one, I think it would be unreasonable to dismiss the idea entirely.

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

Grandpa often tells me I dance like my legs are engulfed in flames. I just go out there and put the fire of desire in women’s hearts.

I’m a werewolf trapped in a human body.””Well, yeah, that’s kind of the definition.””No, really. I’m trapped.””Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?””That’s just it – I’ve never shape-shifted.””So you’re not really a werewolf.””Not...

Love is a cloudless sky, and I’m having the longest drought of my life.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

See?” she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. “She doesn’t stomp around like a cattle stampede!””Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.