Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, that’s not right. That’s politics.

When I was two, a year was half of my life. It must have felt like forever. But when I’m 99, a year will whiz by. Life will go fast, even if I probably go...

Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he’s like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.

that I will start with feeding you proper and then proceed with more…pestiferous acts.”I smiled through the confusion. I’d have to look up that word later.

It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning;...

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don’t much care about anyone’s sensibilities anymore. I am...

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

He sees me when I’m lying. He hears me when I flirt.

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris. “Yeah, here’s a rare grocery...

That’s not a bad word…hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn’t.

I’m here for the gangbang, and I brought the cream cheese. Has the political convention already started?

I’m thinking of killing everyone whose name is a palindrome

It was deflating to realize how much my own family’s quality of life might improve if I replaced myself with a Fundamentalist stay-at-home daughter.

Then you’re aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I’ve ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him.””Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I...

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during...

Viagra isn’t the only drug being prescribed off-label for women with arousal problems. Los Angeles urologist Jennifer Berman told me some doctors are prescribing low doses of Ritalin. Drugs like Ritalin improve a person’s focus,...

My friend, coworker, and neighbor didn’t have a way to get to work, so he asked me for a ride. I told him he should just not show up, stay home, and collect unemployment for...

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a...

Cuando haces una obra de caridad, on en mi caso de solidaridad, te sientes con derecho a ser como eres y tener lo que tienes. Ya pagaste tu impuesto, ,ajá?

Though you can live for as much as you like, but your longevity is stupidity if you were leading a worthless life.

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

Mrs. Pott’s beady black eyes narrowed,”Do you know how many glass slippers I have to stitch when I get home? There’s a Mad Hatter serenading a toaster as we speak. There could be mayhem wreaking...

I never understood, what a starving artist was until I became one.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

Eat dirt evil doer!

Dev-“Come in peace or leave in pieces

Kate picked up her coffee cup, frowning when she saw it was empty. “Did you drink my coffee?””Yes. I was feeling aggressive.

She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch.

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free. Or you could pay me to piss on it, that’d work too.

New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty...

Probably getting it on with the English teacher.” – Alex Gold and Mike Wilson

Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.”I’ve had nothing yet,” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.””You mean you can’t take less,” said the Hatter: “it’s...

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.