The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.

A friend asks, “Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship.” Another friend says, “LISTEN!

Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.

I was struck by the image of Daddy still dressed in that same plaid shirt and undershirt with the bloodstains below the neck, the one I had first seen him wearing in the jail the...

He may even find it as amusant as I do, and we will be sharing a belly laugh tomorrow.

But with man the case is otherwise, in that when logic leads to any humiliating conclusion, the sole effect is to discredit logic.

He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now.

Gracie: You have an unusual house. Have you lived here long?Bobby Tom: A couple of years. I don’t much like it myself, but the architect is real proud of it. She calls it urban Stone...

A great band name would be Tickling Whiskers. Especially if the lead singer is a cat. I’d love to audition for backup dancer.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

Four be the things I’d have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

Well sure, who doesn’t need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.

People should be heard, and music should be listened to.

Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?” The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly. I stared at him,...

Did I mention how cute you look in my clothes?”Blushing I just look at what I’m wearing and laugh. “Chicks Dig me? And Sponge Bob boxers?””Chicks do dig me! And Sponge Bob is a great...

Everything I know about love, my cat taught me. It put its paw on my head and transferred all knowledge to me.

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

NI! Oh no! Not ni!

You can knock on a deaf man’s door forever.

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire...

Winston Gallagher!” I said, recognizing the first ghost I’de met. Then my eyes narrowed & I covered my hand in front of my crotch as I saw Winstons gaze fasten there next. “Don’t even think...

You must feed them, Anne, else they eat their toys.

Skul-man!’ he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. ‘Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!’ Skulduggery nodded. ‘Just got back.

My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound the Designer that created me is.

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.

An aged monk led me to the infirmary. “He’s got the place to himself. Once the other invalids learned there was a dragon coming they miraculously got well! The lame could walk and the blind...

I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t. I’m different now, in that now I’m drinking coffee.

I’d made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters’ hearts.

Relationships are not additive, but multiplicative because you connect with his/her childhood experiences, past relationships, thoughts on money and more.

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.

Rock ‘n’ roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock’n’roll is dangerous and should piss people off

Will there be cheese?” asked Chisolm.

With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s worth.

Age is always advancing and I’m fairly sure it’s up to no good.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.

I’m a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don’t know if he’d beat me or if I’d beat...

He put his hand on his forehead and scoured the French department of his memory for a word. He knew it was in there. He’d put it in almost fifty years before and hadn’t had...

Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They...

What do you do,’ said Jean, ‘with, ah, “ungifted” children when you have them?”Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you...

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

The only questions I’ll ask my clone, are ones in which I already know the answer. This is the path to self-discovery.

Where is Wood?” said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn’t there.”Still in the showers,” said Fred. “We think he’s trying to drown himself.

I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

I’m as efficient as a fish ant, I’m as mythical as a productive government employee, and I’m the kind of lover your mother would approve of. Ask her—she’ll tell you how good I am in...

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.