Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to death when he flew too close to a bright star, which ironically got...

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y’know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to...

I believe my life has a value, and i don’t want to waste it thinking about clothing.I don’t want to think about what i will wear in the morning. Truly, can you imagine anything more...

He then bespattered the youth with abundance of that language which passes between country gentleman who embrace opposite sides of the question; with frequent applications to him to salute that part which is generally introduced...

Write drunk; edit sober.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.

I want to give the gift of life—to myself, in the form of my clone. So I’ll be giving myself myself, and I’ll be grateful—and so will I.

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

The more excited I get, the more I vibrate.””Now there’s a thought,” Lor says.”If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again,” Ryodan says.

Prejudice in this country is like chapters in a book. Chapter One: Hating the Africans and Indians. Chapter Two: Don’t forget the Irish. Chapter Three: Polish jokes.”….. “Hispanics? Latinos? Whatever you call us? Maybe we’re...

So you still sorry you moved here?

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of “Remember to never split an infinitive” and “The passive voice should never be used.” The notion of making a mistake while...

We’re authors. We’re more than a little unstable.

I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to...

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.

I had a dream about you. My brain was plugged directly into the internet, and people in Russia were streaming my dreams. Edward Snowden was there, and he was eating popcorn that I’d mailed him.

In the English language, it all comes down to this: Twenty-six letters, when combined correctly, can create magic. Twenty -six letters form the foundation of a free, informed society.

My Gullah grandfather is bringing a bag of dust to a vampire war. I feel better.

Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up, Lazarus style.

Life sucks, and then you die…

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs?” Tears flowed down her face. “I don’t want to go down the hole! I won’t put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won’t be...

Detective, any warm-blooded male with a pulse would have his hand on your glorious ass. May I?””Knock yourself out.”His fingertips sketched over that tight sheen of Lycra before cupping a taut globe for a squeeze....

My grandpa never read the newspaper. Not because he was particularly optimistic, but because he was illiterate. He taught me to read by watching TV.

If you’re not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.

The middle son gets a magic donkey. When you shout the word: “Bricklebrit!”, it spews gold pieces out of…And I quote:… its front and back.Yes, folks. Thing I Love #4: the Bricklebrit Donkey. You shout...

Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?— Riley Poole

Better days are coming! They’re called Saturday and Sunday.

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

Doakes had a first name! It was Albert – had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name was Sergeant.

Herr Kafka, essen Sie keine Eier.” (As one and only piece of dialog K recalls from his meeting with Rudolf Steiner – “Mr. Kafka don’t eat eggs.

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Lamlah tidak mau jadi anak laja, Lamlah anak bapak dan anak mak,”jawab budak yang belum mengenal kemuliaan dunia itu.Ala, bodoh si Malah ini, tidak mau jadi anak raja?” kata si Saminmencampuri percakapan itu. “Anak raja...

King of Prussia.

I can’t even make up a rhyme about an umbrella, let alone death and life and eternal peace.

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who...

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord?Or to the dreadful summit of the cliffThat beetles o’er his base into the sea,And there assume some other horrible formWhich might deprive your sovereignty of...

Never memorize something that you can look up.

The last time I checked,I didn’t have any special talent,thought Kara.Can I paint a demon to death?Drown it in some gouache?

Yeah, I enjoy musical chairs. My furniture is deaf, so it gets rather interesting.