If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off...

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO...

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, “an extraordinary achievement” and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

In accordance with the terms of the Clarke-Asimov treaty, the second-bestscience writer dedicates this book to the second-best science-fictionwriter.[dedication to Isaac Asimov from Arthur C. Clarke in his book Report on Planet Three]

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I at least profited there. That makes me appreciate my depreciation more.

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

I know a man who drives 600 yards to work. I know a woman who gets in her car to go a quarter of a mile to a college gymnasium to walk on a treadmill,...

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

The Howard Hughes thing hadn’t actually sounded like such a bad deal until about…oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just...

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence, it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is...

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

It’s all very well to put the government in the hands of the perfect man, but what do you do when the perfect man gets a bellyache?

She was hearing the words. They just weren’t registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

A friend comes over with a Ouija board.It spells out: Bourbon. Where’s the band?Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

We will ensure a place for you in heaven, but we will make this place a hell.” Religious exploiters”Follow us for a greater economy and other superficial dreams, and we will make sure it never...

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

People ask me what I am politically and I’ve previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

A problem isn’t a real problem till you decide to make it a problem… so what’s the problem again?

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to be a Frisbee, and that’s why I say he was a fool. What...

With the world’s fate resting on your shoulder – you’re gonna need someone on your side.You can’t do it by yourself any longer – you’re gonna need someone on your side.

She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn’t help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn’t mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn’t...

Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen them all through their silly seasons, and when it come on them they will run the Devil...

I own the night, and all the blackness that isn’t. It is isn’t.

One hardly need believe that the events in your life are actually planned as bolts from the blue, sent special delivery from a deity who is testing and training you like a lab rat! And...

A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.

I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.

There are some bad people on the rise;they’re saving their own skins by ruining people’s lives.

That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.

I’ve had a lot of therapists, so I’ve had the opportunity to approach my fear in many different ways. I’ve faced it head on and sideways and tried to tiptoe up behind it.

Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.

I think the very word stalking implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time’.

All tha’ effin’ an’ blindin’ she was doin’…I ain’t never seen tha’ likes. Ya’ made a right hames wit dis’ wan, Athair. If she ‘ad been one of us, I’da put fifty quid on ‘er....

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

What doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.

If they’re not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had...

Italians speak in italics all the time.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually,...

The man walked past me and stopped, observing the blood running down my neck.”Your injury. Let us tend to it.” He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. “Our...