Funfunfunfunfun!

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable

I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.

The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with...

Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won’t have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you’ll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced...

The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

Cap’n and I are available for birthday parties at reasonable prices. He does magic, and I make your cake disappear.

whore” upon?

If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And...

I’m not trying to please anyone. I’m just trying to write a damn book.

A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia

If I were named Brad Pitt, I’d thank the actor by the same name, because due to his hard work and handsomeness, I’d be famous.

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn’t lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.

Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions:The first one is: Who started it?The second...

In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.

After the group vet appointment–during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room–we went back to Sabrina’s and re-released the cats to their...

Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global “connectitude.” (You people don’t just think outside the box, you think outside the dictionary!)

We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.

Don’t litter.

Pissec approaches Pamela Geiger’s cubicle, itching in rhythm with her. He wants to ask her a question while Kalist is out of earshot. She’s not a grass, he’s sure, but stupid people die first.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

die Schwachen ein,” – the vulnerable one – after he cried like a child when he sliced two, thin strips of skin off his own index finger using a cheese grater (accidentally) one night when...

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

Nothing doing. I’ve no doubt you think I should look noble as a sacrifice. But I’ve never wanted to look noble, and I won’t be made to. — Neville Fletcher

The Universe has a great sense of humor and will often use it as a way to get our attention and reconnect us to our Divine Self.

Since youre here, Courtauld said wearily, youd better explain why these lollipops or whatever they’re called have to be on silk. If I’d had a lollipop I knew precisely where Id stick it.

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

Veeva should count her blessings. Three years ago it was cocaine and a year ago it was crack and lemme tell you, that stuff you got to have. You do anything for that high.” He...

The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.

My love is like leftovers, and her image is the original meal. I should have eaten it all in one sitting.

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

She wants the kids, the cars, the house, and the white picket fence. I said sure, I can give you a fence.

I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.

The perfectly measured burr of a dispassionate detective had suddenly changed into the explosive boom of a take-no-shit street cop.Suffice it to say, I froze.

You’ve already got everything you need to succeed right in-front of your tits

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.