Ourchestra:So you haven’t got a drum, just beat your belly.So I haven’t got a horn-I’ll play my nose.So we haven’t any cymbals-We’ll just slap our hands together,And though there may be orchestrasThat sound a little...

There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Reiko set the ball on the ground and patted my knee. “Look,” she said, “I’m not telling you to stop sleeping with girls. If you’re O.K. with that, then it’s OK. It’s your life after...

One: Don’t play leapfrog with elephants.Two: Don’t pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging.Three: Never, ever, mess with the Ladies Auxiliary.-Mayberry Rules for a Long, Happy Life

[On famous Nobel Laureate Niels Bohr][Niels] Bohr’s sort of humor, use of parables and stories, tolerance, dependence on family, feelings of indebtedness, obligation, and guilt, and his sense of responsibility for science, community, and, ultimately,...

So you were going to rescue the Prince! Why did you pretend to run away? To deceive the Witch?””Not likely! I’m a coward. Only way I can do something this frightening is to tell myself...

I’m friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I’m 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.

Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling Champion.

A fat cow needs a big barn.

Aw, Sophronia, how thoughtful. You brought me a present!

Don’t go on a ghost tour, because you won’t see a ghost. Well, you might. Maybe I have ghost blindness and can’t see the invisible.

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law.

It’s my job as best friend to make sure he’s not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one’s worse.

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. “That’s what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

Grandpa used to like gravy on everything, including his pancakes. If love could be eaten, I’ll bet he’d prefer it with gravy on top. And I’d have to agree. Love would taste better with gravy.

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

I want to save the environment. I like being green as much as the next Smurf.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Instead of hopping around like a wild in’jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot”.

Forty-two!” yelled Loonquawl. “Is that all you’ve got to show for seven and a half million years’ work?” “I checked it very thoroughly,” said the computer, “and that quite definitely is the answer. I think...

Instead of complimentary breakfasts, why not complimentary compliments? Telling someone they’re looking skinny is sure to help them lose weight faster and feel better than, you know, actually eating.

Well finish your story anyway.”Where was I?”The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses.”Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to...

Abignades or abegnadesA term used in te department of the Landes for the intestines of a goose cooked in its blood. Abegnades are found almost solely in the chalosse region, where they are eaten on...

Love is two Tuesdays back to back, and I’m just a lonely Wednesday waiting on today.

We’re going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend...

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So...

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too....

Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about...

We live in the moment and they think about what’s coming. If they didn’t keep us in check, we’d fuck up the planet”.

The slang for the rectum is “prison wallet”.

…socialism had somehow made time more flexible. There were often situations when 1 PM and 5 PM were interchangeable.

Boy, when Grandma Wrinklebottom comes to town, you’d better hide your underwear. I know I’ll be hiding my political perspectives.

He’d changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped...

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, ‘She’s on her way– tell everyone.’ It took me only three seconds to wind through the...

An Unbreakable Vow?” said Ron, looking stunned. “Nah, he can’t have…. Are you sure?””Yes I’m sure,” said Harry. “Why, what does it mean?””Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…””I’d worked that much out for myself,...

Running, it runs in my family. Wheelchairs also run in my family. Is it possible to race in a marathon while sitting down?

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written...

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

In real life I was alone, but in my dream I was in a crowd, and that’s why I farted. But being the gentleman that I am, I blamed it on your dad.

Do not share your thoughts with people who think that what you are thinking is not worth thinking.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.