The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.

You’ve already said you were going to kill me,” Alex said, “but I didn’t think that meant you were going to bore me to death.

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved...

We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.

You’ve already got everything you need to succeed right in-front of your tits

[M]an has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to having a dozen incompatible philosophies dancing about together inside his head. He doesn’t think of doctrines as primarily “true” or “false,” but as “academic”...

There’s so much destruction all over the world – and all you can do is complain about ME!

How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.Yes, but if they...

I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the time. I saved my allowance for two years to be able to afford...

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once. My love for you is starved and dehydrated, and all I need is one spoon.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

Tacos.””Tacos?” I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. “Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.””I know what a taco is!

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there’s no one I can turn to with this love.

The roar of the crowd began to grow. He heard them harmoniously stomping their feet in a rhythm that cried out for battle. Gabe glanced across the arena to several cages that were shielded by...

The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late.

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the...

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

[Jack] checked his watch, then returned to studying her back. damn if she didn’t have a nice back, too – smooth, unblemished skin, nicely shaped vertebrae-He pulled himself up short. Nicely shaped vertebrae? Was he...

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] ‘Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!’Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: ‘My Fifteen-Year-Old’s in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us’ or ‘My...

Enough of this. Does every conversation with you have to be the director’s cut? Get out of the car.

Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter’s wheel. That’s how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume...

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

Wow Kelsey!” Kishan whistled. “I’m going to have to beat the other guys of with a stick!

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

When you grow up the way I do, and the biggest thing in your life so far has been getting dunked in a glass tank by a man who acts like he’s mugging you but...

Wisdom of the Ages: “Humility” If you don’t have it, you’re gonna get it.

Making money is good, but there’s no pockets in a shroud.

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

Length of smile get reduced as people grow up!!!

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

We were in Paris. We were in love. We were with other people at the time and wouldn’t even meet for two years.

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

Gilded palace of Flying BurritosExcellent Nouveau Mexican CuisineWe all got to wear Swank-Ass Nudie SuitsI should have known it was a lousy pipe dreamOhhh, Ohhh, what an awesome jobOhhh, Ohhh, what do I do now??Ohh,...

I’m a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

It is well known that stone can think, because the whole of electronics is based on that fact, but in some universes men spend ages looking for other intelligences in the sky without once looking...

Why would anybody want dick for free?” What kind of lover would that make?

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.