A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So...

This may be impossible for you to believe,” Colt said in a hushed voice, “but as recently as last year, I was a hyper, naive-albeit extremely good-looking-minor myself.””And now you’re a persistent, outdoorsy, unshaven man-boy...

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about...

I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.

You gonna count ’em out now? Because I’ll save you the trouble. There’s two.

…socialism had somehow made time more flexible. There were often situations when 1 PM and 5 PM were interchangeable.

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him, and from thence to the university, where it was carefully taken out of...

Her killer wrote a note on that stationary.””A note.” Now Renquist’s eyebrows lifted. “Well. That was rather arrogant of him, wasn’t it?

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

An Unbreakable Vow?” said Ron, looking stunned. “Nah, he can’t have…. Are you sure?””Yes I’m sure,” said Harry. “Why, what does it mean?””Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…””I’d worked that much out for myself,...

No really I’m pretty sure voting mattered a scant 15 years ago but now it’s just a way to see how many old people live in your neighborhood.

Quinn wanted to make her see that people didn’t live like this; but what was the use. No one was going to get her away from Bird Man out there.

If I had 31 minutes to live, I’d ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I’m always like that, rounding up and needy.

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert...

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.

I opened a storefront with a 6’ ceiling. I did it for the low overhead.

I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking.

Close enough.” And then he kissed me.

Notwithstanding all that has been discovered since Newton’s time, his saying that we are little children picking up pretty pebbles on the beach while the whole ocean lies before us unexplored remains substantially as true...

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

My bookcase is all yours.”I walked to the door. “I’ve just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.

If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.

I’m in the movie business. I tear ticket stubs.

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

There was a time-a lonely, lonely time-when salads were a pale and limp affair, relegated to the side of your plate, practically weeping. I think those dark days were also known as the ’80s. -p.11

Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

‘Hmmm,’ the King said, making a face. ‘I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.’ If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

Dad.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

I can’t give a Professor love!

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

Humanity’s a nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there.

i am like a dead begoniahanging upside down because like a dead begonia I don’t give a fuck

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

I have a phobia of balloons—and other sharp objects. I also have a fear of too much love—giving, not getting.

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.