And while I’m committing incest for you is there anything else you’d like? Maybe a side-order of bestiality?

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.

It’s impossible to walk through solid rock… You have to walk between the molecules that make up the rock.

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

[on Martin Freeman playing Bilbo Baggins] It was great. I got to hang out with him, and I kept a straight face for a bit and then I started giggling because I know Martin, I...

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn’t breakfasted. It’s only after...

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

Everything is offensive, to somebody. I mean, you could say Congress and I’d be in a rage.

My fur is silky, damn it.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

I Believe in Bonnie and Clyde the sign read. Finn read it again, and then again, not sure what to make of it. Then he looked at Bonnie and shrugged. “So?” … “So?” she hissed....

I had a dream about you. You acted like a stranger, and tried to introduce yourself to me while standing next to me at my neighboring urinal in the men’s room. You tried to shake...

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

If you’ve never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager,...

Adamant,” Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. “We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.””Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer,” Newel speculated. “Too much money,...

I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!” he screamed.CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.Rice!”PEAS!”And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!

Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.

In high school I used to sing in the shower. None of the football players liked it, because they were all naked and I was in a tuxedo.

I’ve never, ever, ever — in my entire life — fought over a man. I’ve fought women who’ve hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend...

Forget art. Put your trust in ice cream.

I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the...

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

Don’t forget, I didn’t choose to come to here. I was kidnapped and forced to live here by your marvelous Pemdas warriors, who are interested in Earth only as it serves to keep ‘your beautiful...

The “Wet Tongue Gets Stuck To A Frozen Flagpole” attack!

Not that I haven’t leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It’s sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts.

He had short hair. The technical term is bald. I’m sure he would have made a better lover if he were wearing a Donald Trump wig.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Elizabeth: “Your balls, Mr. Darcy?”Darcy: “They belong to you, Miss Bennett.

I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.

If I get famous, I’d seek employment in a wax museum—as a candle. If you fire me, make sure you blow me out before singing Happy Birthday.

It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

To me, nudity is a joke. I don’t think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be...

She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away?

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises….

Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia’s son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated...

Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they...

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.