The flowers like me back.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...

It’s not that I can’t express myself,it’s that I still feel present when I’m not expressing myself.

Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

If you think the human body is beautiful, you haven’t met my uncle Melvin. His cam session starts at 6:00 if you wanna see.

Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.

When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

He’s named you heir apparent to the Apocalypse. Congratulations.

Craig: ‘When I used to drink, I binge drank…and I’m kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf...

Look how old you are and you’ve hardly made a dent in them. I’ll admit, you seem to have zeal nailed, as well as faith and temperance. Self control? I’ve got my doubts based on...

Going mad is the beginning of a process. It is not supposed to be the end result.

I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.

If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.

Life is worth living as long as there’s a laugh in it.

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your mouth, and non organic tastes like a thirty second tape recording that’s been...

Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.

Your dead cat would look great on my t-shirt—along with tire tracks on my chest. What better time is there to love than now?

The landscape is best described as ‘pedestrian hostile.’ It’s pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she’s looked that way ever since she was two.

Cael, come on. Stop licking the dude. That’s gross.”Letty let out a snort. “Please, like you don’t lick dudes.””That’s different,” Dex explained with a grimace. “None of those dudes were Ash. Besides, last time I...

Everything I know about love came out of a vending machine. I’m still waiting on change.

In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!

God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the water. God turned to the other two and said, “Ten talents to the...

Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn’t sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

I’ve tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I’m having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it...

They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more...

Did you really save the world ?…- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.

I planted a plastic plant, but nothing grew but political hope. I watered it with the tears of the voters.

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. ‘I think it was very...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.

From: Anastasia SteeleSubject: MoaningDate: May 31 2011 19:39 ESTTo: Christian GreyGotta go.Laters, baby……From: Christian GreySubject: PlagiarismDate: May 31 2011 16:41To: Anastasia SteeleYou stole my line.And left me hanging.Enjoy your dinner.Christian GreyCEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Robots make better lovers.

He has a natural immunity,” I gritted out.

„Anticarul nu pierdu ocazia să-i relateze pe larg cum venise Georgeoiu înt ia oară la Capșa în căutarea poetului, știind că acesta trecea zilnic pe-acolo, trebuia să semneze un contract important. Era seara, pe la...

I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Go ahead and laugh at Detroit. Because you are laughing at yourself.

Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.

Azerowut, I must tend to an urgently urgent business and a business that is urgent most urgently. Watch over my tent with extreme care and care that is caring in the extreme, and do not,...

I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.

They’re book addicts.

Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So can the other 10%—but that’s just the free sample part.

I mean you ACRES of harm,’ Dalrymple growled. ‘Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.