This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”I frowned, “What’s that?””Homework.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the...

Vivi muito tempo no mundo das pessoas grandes. Vi-as de bem perto.Não fiquei com muito melhor opinião delas.

So where’d you park the car, Max?”I don’t know. I couldn’t see over the wheel.”That’s okay. I think I can smell it.

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing...

I hope this book will inspire the kitchen con-artist in you, increase fruit and veggie consumption in your family, and motivate you to become an Accidental Cook. Pass it on!

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in such a condescending, casual tone, but he is a ‘writer’, and a talentless mediocrity!People...

One of the first things we teach medical students is to listen to the patient by taking a careful medical history. Ninety percent of the time, you can arrive at an uncannily accurate diagnosis by...

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I’d stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people’s chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess...

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me...

Enjoy your Evening.””That will depend on the menu. If it’s beef, it will be a tolerable meal. If it’s chicken…” Elliot shuddered. “What is the point of chicken?””Eggs?

I don’t see how it’s doing society any good to have it’s members walking around with vague memories of algebraic formulas and geometric diagrams, and clear memories of hating them.

When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform so they can applaud me and throw me flowers and business. I always...

Esperanza’s side had so many colors, Crayola sent a scout.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do,...

He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.”My God,” he said. “What happened?””I found out...

We have to destroy the radioactive brain of Madame Curie.

I hate when people say ‘I see’. It doesn’t mean anything and I think it’s hostile. Whenever anyone tells me ‘I see’ I think they’re really saying ‘Fuck you’.

and the HE stands up. if frenchy’s could bottle him up and sell him as porn, they’d probably own half of chicago within a year. he’s what would happen after nine months if abercrombie fucked...

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

Are you okay?” It’s like asking someone if they think you look fat. You’re almost guaranteed to get a lie.

Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

If he’s like any other man I’ve ever met, it’s not my smile he’s going to be looking at.

So a while back I spent a night in jail. Now, as for exactly what landed me there, I’d be so delighted to never have to go into any of the details regarding that. Besides,...

I’m productive. I make things like directions. Mostly I just make things up.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

The fact Locke didn’t die instantly may be taken as proof that a human male can survive having every last warm drop of blood within his body rush instantly to the vicinity of his cheeks.

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting...

Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night.

I shouldn’t believe anything I say, if I were you-and that includes what I just told you.

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn’t get to live it very often.

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

The internet’s a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.

As an author I’m in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I’ve found it again.