It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you’re a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in...

I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge

Glitter and streamers of light swirled aroundus, and a chorus of tiny voices sang out a single note. Iwinced, knowing there was only one person who thought anormal entrance, like walking through a door, wasn’t...

It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see…””You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?””No,” said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having...

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife

In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that’s logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments.

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

To Trin Tragula’s horror, the shock completely annihilated her brain; but to his satisfaction he realized that he had proved conclusively that if life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then...

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.

Whatever one does, someone is always happy…then again, someone else is not pleased

How do I know you’ll keep your word?” asked Coraline.”I swear it,” said the other mother. “I swear it on my own mother’s grave.””Does she have a grave?” asked Coraline.”Oh yes,” said the other mother....

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.

Headline?” he asked.”‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.”‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.”‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said.

Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they’d have difficulty believing in Salt...

… I had been brought to boil twice with no pasta.

How do you express a skinny blonde werewolf and a former toad in a cake?

Shame comes in different doses.

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

Poor people are the salt of the earth. They should be sprinkled on icy roads, along with pretzels.

Never love someone beneath your level of evolution. If you want a monkey, you can visit one at your local zoo.

I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?

You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.

I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone’s life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital’s Christmas party.

We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed...

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he’s engineered to be dense about many things, but he’s not stupid.

I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights. And bark.

Some are born old maids, some achieve old maidenhood, and some have old maidenhood thrust upon them ,” parodied Miss Lavendar whimsically.

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

As a rule of thumb, it was always safer if the Commander-in-Chief formulated a risky plan.

I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute.

Homicide!” I called out

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking – Ya’ll Come Back, Danki.

You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price.

It’s only hard until it becomes easy.

My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you’ve got the garden, I’ve got my whole life.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You never forget how to ride a bicycle—or the first time you made love on one. I’ve made love on a bicycle twice, to two women—both times were with both women. Foreplay is amazingly difficult...

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn’t be! – Governor Dewar