Instead of mascots, there should be mass cots, because these sports fanatics are intellectually asleep.

Lysistrata: Oh, Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly…Calonicé: And they are quite right, upon my word!Lysistrata: Yet, look you, when the...

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

What’s the difference between praying and crying? One you’re talking to God, and the other you’re talking to God but you don’t know it.

Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.”Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl’s Guide to...

Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning.

Try not to have a good time…this is supposed to be educational.

This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.

The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I went to a wake, but I wasn’t awake. I was asleep, not dead.

You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?

You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha

He not only stood three inches taller than me, but I sold him two of those three inches. (The third inch I tossed in for free.)

Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn’t even close to healthy.

And so the Universe ended.

My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.

If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.

The severest test of character is not so much the ability to keep a secret as it is, when the secret is finally out, to refrain from disclosing that you knew it all along.

I hid my grief well. (Hint: it’s in the basement)

Novels include padding; I think padding may be an essential part of the novel, for all I know.

and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.

What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What it does is makes you wonder: What does it do?

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here’s another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in...

My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.

Someone should stop her.

Well, life isn’t a cakewalk, is it?! Eighty-nine percent of the world’s most valuable art was created by men living in rat-infested flats. You think Velásquez wore Adidas? You think he enjoyed the luxuries of...

When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I always run from my fears.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas à religião não querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro...

Tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are.

Even a Menno sheltered from the world knows not to stick her tongue into the mouth of a boy who owns an Air Supply record. You might stick your tongue into the mouth of a...

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...

I had tons of fun, minus 3,999 pounds.

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

game over.

She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.

Aren’t we all a bunch of weirdos?

To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world’s population, like mental mayonnaise, we’d have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

Yes, yes, mistress, I shall go and accomplish your task. Only—I was not only sent to kill the Leucrotta. There is a maiden in a tower—” At this the Witch spat, again rolling her marvelous...

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it through action, like a kiss. Or I could say it indirectly, like telling your best friend, April. Yes, I...

Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! – The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company’s Secret Weapon.

He held up his index finger. “Rule one: in any dispute between mates, themale is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two”—his middle finger joined thefirst—”whenever in doubt, refer to rule...