When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

I think I just blew my own mind.

Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.

In what way did your parents screw up to make you the woman you are today?

You can take the barbarian out of the tavern, but he can take the blood out of your body.

You look disappointed to see me, Zach,” Macey teased. “Don’t you like my jacket?

Talk like the Discovery Channel all you want, but a book of fossils and a tub of plaster does not an orgy make.

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

For me, adoption was grief in reverse.

I’ve never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I’ve also never had a one-night stand while standing the whole time.

I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff

Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at...

You’re only as old as you feel.

I want to merge oven mitts with boxing gloves, so I could effectively, and safely, fight fires. After all, fire fighters make better lovers.

Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time

My bed feels empty without my ex wife in it. Also, I’m not in it, so that’s probably why it feels so empty.

The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”Said the old man, “I do that too.”The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”I do that too,” laughed the little...

I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.

I mean, I am totally not one of those prudes who believe having sex as a teenager is some kind of mortal sin or social death. I don’t have a problem with sex. I just...

There are some people that see the half full cup and get upset about where the other half of the cup went… With an attitude like that, they will never be happy. I see a...

I don’t want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who died. I want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who left and actually did something with her life. Then...

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

Schizophrenia. And I’m still having it.”

Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I make love like a backseat, not on a backseat. I’m both in motion, yet stationary. I would encourage you to encourage your mom to buckle up.

You know what? Don’t explain. Just—put your clothes on, both of you.

I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

Will work for food. Will work for sex. Will work for the weekend, but I won’t work five consecutive days for it.

There’s nothing worse than the one that got away. It haunts you for weeks like a bad dream, eats away at your psyche like a termite on softened wood.

You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.

Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.

Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.

[regarding a toothache] It made me realize how much one’s mind is at the mercy of one’s physical well-being, as at times I felt quite demented. My admiration for people who withhold information under torture...

It’s Unfair to be fair,For Life is unfair

Remember the Hottentots?” asked James. “They’ve become the Khoi now, which means that the Germans will have to retire that wonderful word of theirs, Hottentotenpotentatenstantenattentater, which means, as you know, one who attacks the aunt...

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of...

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is: I’ll take the one you didn’t choose. You see, you are the fool...

Snoring keeps the monsters away.

If we were both standing beside Niagara Falls, the only thing you’d be able to hear is the sound of me urinating in a pitcher of lemonade. Gorgeous scenery is great and all, but I’ve...

There was an awkward silenceUntil I throw a rock at it

So-called intellectuals conceptualize love; fools just love.Fools breathe air; intellectuals (so called) breathe ego.