I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

North,” said the face beneath the sheet. “I belong to the National Association of Broadcasting Employees and Technicians. If you wake me up before I’ve slept twelve hours, I get paid short turnaround.””But Rose–“”If you...

She’s got you there,” HARV added.

I would have sex in the backseat of my car, but from back there, how would I be able to hit the brakes? Or steer the vehicle?

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well this isn’t too bad, I don’t have a left arm anymore but at...

Dangerously close to having to work for a living.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

I always never leave things for the last minute. I leave them for 59 seconds.

Mad cow disease? A crazy hunger for blood. There had to be a reasonable explanation for all of this. And there’s no such thing as vampires, right?

Yes, fuck Christina. I think she’d like that.

I’m getting gray hair in all sorts of crazy places. Like all over my carpet. It’s like I live in a nursing home, except without all the sex.

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between “literally” and “figuratively.” If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you...

Is it? Because that picture of me was taken by my old school’s yearbook club, and they put it in the section titled ‘STUDENT FAILSAUCES! XD.What’s an XD?A sideways laughing face of horrendous proportions. Don’t...

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

We had sex by the fireplace. I remember because my waxy nipples started dripping on the carpet.

As I’m sure you know, there are two types of “What?” in the world. The first type simply means “Excuse me, I didn’t hear you. Could you please repeat yourself?” The second type is a...

I was sorry to lose it, and if you make me another one, I promise not to get taken captive by bandits and have to use it to save my life.

Don’t ever call me mad, Mycroft. I’m not mad. I’m just … well, differently moraled, that’s all.

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.

There’s only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it’s actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

We both want you dead. I’m bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

We made love like my foot cramped up in the middle. That was the last time I tried to do a marathon session.

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can’t sweat the fact that you’ve lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float...

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin’ 55.” -Sadie Robertson”Oh, that’s just a suggestion.

Fiction wouldn’t be much fun without its fair share of scoundrels, and they have to live somewhere.

It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.

Come out of the closet already. It’s so bright and wonderful out here. Dude, I’ve seen Brokeback Mountain too, don’t believe that bullshit. No one cares who you fuck…ya know…like you tell me every. Single....

The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married. One should always be in love – that’s the reason one should never...

Statuettes of drunken sailors, velvet pictures of island maidens, plastic seashell lamps made in Taiwan. What contempt the people who think up souvenirs have for other people.

There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that’s a different problem.

Nothing, save the hangman’s noose, concentrates the mind like piles of cash.

I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.

We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the same as all the other people who try so hard to look different.

Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.I’d finally found...

Nothing of importance happened today.

I’m not sexually active. I just sort of lay there and slowly thrust.

Why question what Froi of Lumatere was doing here?’ he asked.’ When you should be questioning what would have happened to Charyn if he hadn’t been here. Who else would have saved Gargarin of Abroi...

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it could be a really ugly swan.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

I unwind with wine—or a few counter clockwise turns.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

There are never enough ‘I love you’s.

You can make heaven out of hell, or hell out of heaven. The choice is yours.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.