Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo.

Whatever one does, someone is always happy…then again, someone else is not pleased

I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.

I’d like to lose enough weight so that my bones creaked louder than the floor

Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they’d have difficulty believing in Salt...

What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.

You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces.

Shame comes in different doses.

I got fat, and I decided to do something about it, so I got fatter.

Asking me to do ANYTHING before I’ve had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE.

Poor people are the salt of the earth. They should be sprinkled on icy roads, along with pretzels.

Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes for goats too, you pervert.

Bard eyed him like he was manure on her shoes at the same time she did things, like sharpen a wooden stake, something she knew didn’t work on him, but that was not her point,...

The Doctor: I’ve seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It’s massive!

You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

Wynter’s Pass was a picturesque region in the north of Vohlfhein, where the Bleak Hills eventually collapsed into the Frozen Sea. From the back of Mr. Buckles, who had been on a slow trot since...

all fiction is better with explosions’ said Jared. ‘Basic fact of life.

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

I am disinclined to know you.

It’s a real lightning bolt, this Science of Phrenology. I’ve found out more in the last three days than I knew in my whole life before. Mrs. Guilbert has always been a nasty one, but...

He was, out of all sight (as I remember him), the nicest boy that ever spun a top or broke a window.

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed...

I had a dream about you. You were whispering in Van Gogh’s ear, which was in my pocket at the time, so people thought you were storing secrets in my pants. The NSA got jealous,...

Certain brands of guilt can be inculcated in a secular way but other brands of guilt can only be obtained with reference to the metaphysical.

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

People say the government makes no money, but that’s not true. They make money like any bandit or robber does.

These days. Most of us have the attention span of a meth-addicted squirrel.

Homicide!” I called out

I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!

After you are here, I will try not to become one of those parents who brag incessantly about their children, who force them to recite the alphabet backward or sing the Lord’s Prayer in German...

My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you’ve got the garden, I’ve got my whole life.

She had never really listened to anyone in her life; which, some said, was why she had survived.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

THOMASINA:But then the Egyptian noodle made carnal embrace with the enemy who burned the great library of Alexandria without so much as a fine for all that is overdue!

I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

Absolutely. Justice served with a side of pineapple. That’s what I’m here for.

People don’t deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

Holly’s theory about the army,” Sharon explained.And what is it?” Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

I also don’t turn into a bat or sparkle in the sun. Hollywood’s portrayal of vampires is almost as accurate as its portrayal of prostitution in Pretty Woman.

I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.

Imagination is evidence of the divine, and the divine is the imagination of evidence.

Keep your head high and your skirt down.

I’d often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I’d usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men’s room in an effort...

She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

Because I can’t help doing it,” he said with a shrug. “And hey, if I keep loving you, maybe you’ll eventually crack and love me too. Hell, I’m pretty sure you’re already half in love...

I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.