Y are you called the cheese man?

Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often...

I couldn’t exactly blame Jane Austen for being a romantic. What the hell else was there to do back then for fun?

No, that you assumed I’d look at you in any fashion other than professionally.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

No. I’m going to dry you off and hold you some more. I like seeing that blood. I did that,” The pleasure in my voice made Blythe smile.

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online.

Last week my boss told me to rewrite a twenty-page proposal on engagement benchmarking. I turned it in and he wrote a note on the cover that just said, “No, no. Not this.” I had...

Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?” Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.”Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know,” Claire said.”Then why are you all up in...

He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny...

In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn’t hear the question.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have...

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

She jotted down the order, then forced herself to meet his gaze. “It’s going to be a bit of a wait, we’re short-staffed this morning.” The following words rushed out of her. “And breakfast’s on...

People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show...

I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things. In my book that makes me a better lover, because I wrote it....

What a situation!’ cried Miss Squeers; ‘…What is the reason that men fall in love with me, whether I like it or not, and desert their chosen intendeds for my sake?’ ‘Because they can’t help...

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.

You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.

We were still twirling around the tiny parking lot when the neighborsscreamed ‘Happy New Year’. Unfortunately we weren’t sober enough torealize that was our cue to call it a night. Josh had a new beer...

I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit. This was staggering considering when I went to bed it was just a...

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.

Fortunately, he’d found that most people were easy to locate at five thirty in the morning. .

I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Don’t Panic.

Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

With the development of the printing press, not only could text be mass-produced quickly, it could also be mass-produced quickly and incorrectly.

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building.

Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases… I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. ‘She has a servant’s heart,’ I thought.

Never tell people when to meet; tell them when to leave.

Exactly!” said Deep Thought. “So once you do know what the question actually is, you’ll know what the answer means.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please . . . no comments on my author face!

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

If you want to go foraging into the wilds of Canada without proper gear, you deserve what you get, even if that happens to include being attacked by an undead moose.

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just...

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I’ve got a great word and it’s on a “Double word score” box! Hobbes: “ZQFMGB” isn’t a word! It doesn’t even have a vowel! Calvin: It is...

I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.