Absolutely. Justice served with a side of pineapple. That’s what I’m here for.

When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers and usually there is always some wacko neighbor that wants to try out...

That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been better thrown away. “Ah, Frank! I thought you were going to be down here fucking...

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.

Imagination is evidence of the divine, and the divine is the imagination of evidence.

Modern literature is a north-east wind–a blight of the human soul. I take credit to myself for having helped to make it so. The way to produce fine fruit is to blight the flower. You...

In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and...

She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

Part of what I love about novels and dogs is that they are so beautifully oblivious to economic concerns. We serve them, and in return they thrive. It’s not their responsibility to figure out where...

Great pals we’ve always been. In fact there was a time when I had an idea I was in love with Cynthia. However, it blew over. A dashed pretty and lively and attractive girl, mind...

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

It don’t do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

Some kids get called ‘bundles of joy’ or ‘slices of heaven’ or ‘dreams come true.’ We got ‘the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.’ Doesn’t have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I’m oversensitive.

I whirled in the room like a tornado wearing a tracksuit. I wasn’t wearing a tracksuit, but I did have a smirk like a zipper. I loved her like my fly was open to criticism.

The day my mother gave us the keys, she also made me and Greta sign a form so that the bank knew our signatures. To get in we had to show our key and sign...

That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” Puck said.”How cool will it be when it kills us?” Sabrina asked.”Considerably less cool,” Puck replied.

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

I’d dig a hole the size of the grand canyon to find a love the size of an acorn, and I’d use a shovel the size of a squirrel.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A volte il fumo è meglio dell’arrosto

Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.

My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.

Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, “You’re being mean, you need to get laid,” your problem is not sex. Your...

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

Love is something you must work at. And if you can’t work at it, don’t expect the government to subsidize you. At least not until the Central Bank figures out how to counterfeit emotions.

You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.’She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.IT’S EDUCATIONAL.’What if she cuts herself?’THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.

If coffee is a drug, then I am a junky. And if coffee’s not a drug, then I’m still a junky. Damnit.

Basically, everyone thinks–knows–how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.

He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, “God, it’s cold.”Question: What’s the probability they will kiss?

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He...

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago....

Don’t go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are.

Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem

He was a dying man looking down on the surgeons trying to save him.

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

And that’s what I don’t like about magic, Captain. ‘cos it’s *magic*. You can’t ask questions, it’s magic. It doesn’t explain anything, it’s magic. You don’t know where it comes from, it’s magic! That’s what...

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.

My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it was not the sting of coffee I swigged with swagger. Bitter is better...

The fear of death is why we build cathedrals, have children, declare war, and watch cat videos online at three a.m.

Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they’d hardly do it here. They’d slip something subtle under your skin that wouldn’t go off for six months, and then would drop you mysteriously and...

…you take your humor where you can get it.

Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.