The fire burnt down our House of Love. Our relationship didn’t work because I was the water, and she was the empty hose.

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to...

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

It could have been a thief or a murderer. I considered crying out. A thief would run away, but a murderer would murder me. On the other hand, the murderer would probably murder me if...

Butcher, al secolo Giacinto Verbato, prima del Dominio faceva il macellaio a New Milan. Buffo il fatto che come soprannome avesse scelto l’anglicizzazione del proprio mestiere, chiunque si sarebbe sentito a disagio a chiamarsi come...

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn’t say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling.

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.

During those hours, I had zero social awareness, as I was asleep. All the joggers who waved at me while I was walking can vouch for that.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the...

I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children’s story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great...

I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he’s engineered to be dense about many things, but he’s not stupid.

I realized everyone around me was wearing a uniform. Black pants, white button-down shirts, green ties. Gotta love the smell of institutional equality in the morning.

Some are born old maids, some achieve old maidenhood, and some have old maidenhood thrust upon them ,” parodied Miss Lavendar whimsically.

She gave him a strange maternal grin.For the first time, clearly, the thought surfaced in Paul Sheldon’s mind: I am introuble here. This woman is not right.

I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.

Taking a deep breath that smelled of rain, she was poised to move when a hand clasped her elbow. Memories of another hand grabbing her sent panic shooting through her veins.She swung around.”Whoa. You okay?”...

I enjoy the sounds of morning. My favorite is the shush of orgasm. If you tell me you love me, I might tell you the time.

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking – Ya’ll Come Back, Danki.

Suicide is selfish. Don’t take your own life—take someone else’s.

It’s only hard until it becomes easy.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason why my investment decisions always look so great—for the people on the other...

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I’d say our afternoon just got booked solid!

It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn’t be! – Governor Dewar

Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.

I watched a lot of YouTube videos of cute geeky girls playing ’80s cover tunes on ukuleles. Technically, this wasn’t part of my research, but I had a serious cute-geeky-girls-playing-ukuleles fetish that I can neither...

I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small rude incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff...

It’s sad to see a restaurant go out of business because the owner died, after being cannibalized by hungry customers.

In Ireland, you go to someone’s house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you’re really just fine. She asks if you’re sure. You say of...

I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty.He could picture himself a very happy man at that table.”Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?”...

I don’t like it,” I can save up to 25% on my energy output.

I don’t know but it’s nice to sound optimistic, wouldn’t you agree.

Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. “He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not.” Ramone Ramone,...

I was beside myself with grief. I was also beside myself with cloning.

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

—Simplemente no te agrada Ash.—No es que me desagrade. —Dee se salió fuera de la cama y se disparó por la habitación, apareciendo al lado de su ventana—. Simplemente creo que es una perra.Dawson se...

I love that name. A country named Chad. Sounds like somebody who lived next door to the Brady Bunch. But if Chad actually lived next door to the Bradys, Greg would be roasting over a...

Oh my god, I am a banana.

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]”Don’t they teach you anything in your schools?””Not about this.””Pity. I suppose that’s what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

But when I make a good [taxidermy] mount I feel like I beat God in a small way. As though the Almighty said, Let such critter be dead, and I said, ‘Fuck You, he can...

Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the...