I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Must a name mean something?” Alice asked doubtfully.Of course it must,” Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; “my name means the shape I am – and a good handsome shape it is, too. With...

I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma smelled better.

Yes, but does Maine have anything to SAY to Florida?

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

It’s not a who, it’s a what.

No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)

He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. “Step in something?” she asked innocently.”That I did not mind.” He took a menacing step toward her. “What I did...

Perfect, just what I need this morning, another episode in battle of the wits.

A blanket could be used to put the war in warm. Just paint the blanket like an American flag, and then try to convince the world that they are cold and need us to stop...

I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!

I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.

If I were a superhero, I’d be Honesty Man. I’d be so transparent I’d be invisible.

Success is like sausage, you’d be surprised what goes into it.

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own...

Oh for craps sake. You’re not dying again, are you? It’s seriously inconvenient when you do that.” -Aphrodite

I’ll give you the mother-in-law discount—200% of the 50% off sales price.

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?

Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I’m what’s known as “prey.” All females are.

I know it’s practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn’t possibly weep harder than I did.

I am 1/7 billionth of humanity, and I am hungry for truth. I’m also hungry for love, knowledge, and pasta.

I guess the sacrifice of my dignity is the only thing that will save us now. The things I endure for love. The Fates laugh at my torment.

Your job is obviously very pressured.””I thrive under pressure,” I explain. Which is true. I’ve known that about myself ever since…Well. Ever since my mother told me when I was about 8.

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

Power lines are great places to hang my clothes—especially since my closet is full of birds. I make love like I have wings and know how to fly.

The seed of a blue lupin will usually produce a blue lupin. But the seed of a blue-eyed man may produce a brown-eyed bore…especially if his wife has a taste for gigolos.

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past...

There is one thing I like about the Poles—their language. Polish, when it is spoken by intelligent people, puts me in ecstasy. The sound of the language evokes strange images in which there is always...

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.

I don’t know karate, but I know ka-razy!

She tips back her head and howls: Moooooown! Oh wonderful moooooo!

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you’re a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in...

Obviously, she doesn’t subscribe to the “I can only eat salads in front of the opposite sex” rule of thumb a lot of chicks swear by. Who gave women that idea? Like a guy’s going...

Glitter and streamers of light swirled aroundus, and a chorus of tiny voices sang out a single note. Iwinced, knowing there was only one person who thought anormal entrance, like walking through a door, wasn’t...

My only regret is that I don’t have more to regret.

If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.

I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.

Twenty to life, she got, with time off for good behavior. You come around next spring. I’ll introduce you.

She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments.