I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past...

I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted.

Xingu!” she scoffed. “Why, it was the fact of our knowing so much more about it than she did—unprepared though we were—that made Osric Dane so furious. I should have thought that was plain enough...

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you’re a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in...

The old me is younger than the new me, the me now.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

Glitter and streamers of light swirled aroundus, and a chorus of tiny voices sang out a single note. Iwinced, knowing there was only one person who thought anormal entrance, like walking through a door, wasn’t...

My only regret is that I don’t have more to regret.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy, and make the most of where you are

She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments.

I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer.

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Don’t forget to give Neville our love!’ Ginny told James as she hugged him.’Mum! I can’t give a professor love!”But you know Neville-‘James rolled his eyes.’Outside, yeah, but at school he’s Professor Longbottom, isn’t he?...

How do I know you’ll keep your word?” asked Coraline.”I swear it,” said the other mother. “I swear it on my own mother’s grave.””Does she have a grave?” asked Coraline.”Oh yes,” said the other mother....

I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.

The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers,...

Headline?” he asked.”‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.”‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.”‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said.

Percy’s thoughts: I don’t recommend shadow travel if your scared of:A) The darkB) Cold shivers up your spineC) Strange noisesD) Going so fast you feel like your is peeling offIn other words I thought it...

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

Ernestine used to remark, in a tone tinged with envy, that Lill was probably New Jersey’s youngest gold digger, and that few adult gold diggers ever had received more, in return for less.

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

Where’s the dam water fountain I’m thirsty?

Right, you’ve got a crooked sort of cross…” He consulted Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ — sorry about that — but there’s a thing that could be the...

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.

I’ve got to pee.

I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover, but it’s impossible for me to be a better lover than I already...

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

He smiled. “I suppose I thought we’d have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair’s-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding...

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he’s engineered to be dense about many things, but he’s not stupid.

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I’d recommend having two.

Some are born old maids, some achieve old maidenhood, and some have old maidenhood thrust upon them ,” parodied Miss Lavendar whimsically.

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our...

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking – Ya’ll Come Back, Danki.

I’ve never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple...

It’s only hard until it becomes easy.

That’s your mom, right?” Pathik smiled. “She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

It’s awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

Adam, you could be a lesbian vampire succubus who moonlights as a golem and I would still want to suck your cock twenty-four-seven.