The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our...

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

In the world of mulesThere are no rules.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Were it not for frustration and humiliationI suppose the human race would get ideas above its station.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

Everybody who has a baby thinks everybody who hasn’t a baby ought to have a baby,Which accounts for the success of such plays as the Irish Rose of Abie,The idea apparently being that just by...

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.

Too clever is dumb.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven’t done.

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

I claim there ain’t Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that’s both is dental.

If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.

Parsley is gharsley.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I’ll never see a tree at all.

Commitments the voters don’t know about can’t hurt you.

Higgledy piggledy, my black hen,She lays eggs for gentlemen.Gentlemen come every dayTo count what my black hen doth lay.If perchance she lays too many,They fine my hen a pretty penny;If perchance she fails to lay,The...

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

To keep your marriage brimming,With love in the loving cup,Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;Whenever you’re right, shut up.”~Happy birthday Ogden Nash! (born 8.19.1902)

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

I am tarred and feathered with Time.

How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle,And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle.What was it, anyway, that angry...

I have an idea that the phrase ‘weaker sex’ was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

Very Like a WhaleOne thing that literature would be greatly the better forWould be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and metaphor.Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons or Celts,Can’ts seem...

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.