His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

Methamphetamine is so Flowers for Algernon: All that super-human cerebral ability fades to limited physical activities like stapling carpet scraps to the wall or masturbation antics worthy of The Guinness Book of World Records.

Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter ‘sheep.

Who gets briefed is what gets briefed

I’m not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you.

‎”Sarge, mr. Nurd here is threatening to turn me to jelly.””really?” said Sarge. “what flavor?

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...

Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

It’s just CIA being CIA.

I never scoff at coffins, because they’re like coffee cups you can bathe in. Well, coffins are like Starbucks’ coffee cups, only they have more life inside.

They would never argue,” Leo pointed out.

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

Craig: ‘When I used to drink, I binge drank…and I’m kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf...

Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.

When it comes to texting the power of you thumbs compel you

My writing looks like it’s ten steps behind my mind, and racing to always catch up.

Wisdom you speak, Obi Tina.”None of that – I’m the one who gets to speak backwards – no, we’re both wrong – that’s the little green guy, Yoda.”You’re right. So I just get to pout...

If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often...

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

Tohru: “Call a doctor, or a vet, or something! Mr. Postman! It’s terrible! You see?! They’re animals!”Mailman: “Well, uh, yes, they certainly are. Here’s your mail.”Tohru: “No, no, we’ve got to do something!”(Shigure in dog...

The landscape is best described as ‘pedestrian hostile.’ It’s pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

Cael, come on. Stop licking the dude. That’s gross.”Letty let out a snort. “Please, like you don’t lick dudes.””That’s different,” Dex explained with a grimace. “None of those dudes were Ash. Besides, last time I...

Last week my boss told me to rewrite a twenty-page proposal on engagement benchmarking. I turned it in and he wrote a note on the cover that just said, “No, no. Not this.” I had...

All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.

In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn’t hear the question.

Restraining, saving, assuring your checkbook balance…what does all taht amount to? If I go broke one day I’ll just take out loans

Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn’t sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.

I’ve tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I’m having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it...

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

Obama’s plan for “change”: Let’s do everything Bush did, only with more suck! Because it just didn’t suck badly enough the first time!

I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things. In my book that makes me a better lover, because I wrote it....

The wise man sees the fool & laughs & the fool never knows why

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. ‘I think it was very...

From: Anastasia SteeleSubject: MoaningDate: May 31 2011 19:39 ESTTo: Christian GreyGotta go.Laters, baby……From: Christian GreySubject: PlagiarismDate: May 31 2011 16:41To: Anastasia SteeleYou stole my line.And left me hanging.Enjoy your dinner.Christian GreyCEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.

I have been lately introduced to the famous Thomas Paine, and like him very well. He is vain beyond all belief, but he has reason to be vain, and for my part I forgive him....

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

Under capitalism, man exploits man; while under socialism just the reverse is true.

I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.

Go ahead and laugh at Detroit. Because you are laughing at yourself.

I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.

Gavin, Logan, Calix. Was there a sale on trendy names when they were born, or something?