The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of...

It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette.

I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.

The Postmodernists’ tyranny wears people down by boredom and semi-literate prose.

It’s why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own...

For the sake of my loved ones, I don’t drink sake.

We’re a couple of travelers!” I called up to her. “I’m Briony, and this is Ella!””Grammy said I ought not to talk to strangers!” she called back.”We’re not strangers!” Ella shouted. “We’re with the union!”I...

These are Rustbell Rabbits! I’d like to see them try!!!

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

We lay there and looked up at the night sky and she told me about stars called blue squares and red swirls and I told her I’d never heard of them. Of course not, she...

Abe held my gaze a bit longer and then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. A celebration. And look: hereʹs our newest member.ʺ Dimitri had joined us...

When I’m old and I brush my teeth and her dentures, I’ll smile because that is love—and that is disgusting.

—,Así que no vas a preguntar?Lo estudié, entrecerrando los ojos. Tenía un mal presentimientos sobre esto. Pero las palabras salieron de mi boca, totalmente fuera de mi control.—,Por qué te llaman Horse?—Porque me cuelga como...

Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.

Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.” “Fondue?” he asked hopefully.

Feed me, you moron.

Parsley is gharsley.

Don’t kill animals! Kill people who kill animals! Those animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated! Also, the animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated!

I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you’d have one tragic haiku.

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

Jack had wondered how geometers could be so inventive as to produce so many types and families of curves. Later he had come to perceive that of curves there was no end, and the true...

This guy was a class act. And that class was Acting 101. If I were the professor, I’d have given him an F—for murder.

When I asked my da how ye knew which was the right woman, he told me when the time came, I’d have no doubt. And I didn’t. When I woke in the dark under that...

People, generally, suck.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.

…every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition (“That would be my husband”, was the standard comment).

Spelling bees? Spelling bees do not scare me. I competed in the National Spelling Bee twice, thank you very much. My dad competed in the National Spelling Bee. My aunt competed in the National Spelling...

Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about – the sex of my guitar, for instance. If I honestly wanted to put...

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

Religious ceremonies are of paramount importance in Bali ( an island, don’t forget, with seven unpredictable volcanoes on it-you would pray, too).

I’ll return the compliment by saying you have very nice veins.

Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to lick her living word machine (mouth).

Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.

What’s furry, has four legs, and meows? My dinner, before I killed and cooked it.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.

Cery: So, Hem, tell me why I shouldn’t see how many holes I need to make before you start leaking money?

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

(…) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away...

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so...

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?

The BALLPOINT PENGUINS, black and white, Do little else but write and write.Although they’ve nothing much to say, They write and write it anyway….