Well, at least I am an orange”.

Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve never been to sleep before. “Bed? What’s that? No, I’m not doing that.”...

“I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. “My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids.”...

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it’s for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.

TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word ‘turd’ in it....

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ‘successful.

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of...

How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.

For me, it’s always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, ‘You were wonderful last night. I didn’t want it...

I love the phrase “I have a sweet tooth.” I always want to say, “You’re ordering it for your tooth? That’s interesting, because it’s going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your...

Be undeniable.

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called ‘barbecue’.

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is...

I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.

“I love the inpatience of New York… You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You’re just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy’s...

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

I love the inpatience of New York… You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You’re just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy’s...

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel...

I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as...

Welcome to New York

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on...

It does piss me off when Angelina won’t stop calling.