game over.

If love were a color, it’d be orange. Not because that’s a romantic color, but because it’s the sweetest. If you want to know how I feel about you, I just made some juice out...

She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.

Aren’t we all a bunch of weirdos?

The right things often happen for the wrong reason.

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world’s population, like mental mayonnaise, we’d have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

I love in all directions, except southeast. Don’t ask me why, because I already told you where. Also, don’t ask me who, because the list of who I love is as long as a phone...

Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

I remembered that Beethoven’s symphonies had sometimes been given names… they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! – The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company’s Secret Weapon.

Blood is really warm,it’s like drinking hot chocolatebut with more screaming.

A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty...

We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

Few humans see fairies or hear their music, but many find fairy rings of dark grass, scattered with toadstools, left by their dancing feet.

¨Someday, I’m going to have to break some of your rules, Mom.¨¨I know,¨ she said. ¨Try to do it behind my back, will you?¨¨You can bet on that, Mom.¨We both sat there and laughed.

Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.

Agatha, what do you see when you look in the mirror?””I don’t look in mirrors.””Why is that?””Because horses and hogs don’t sit around ogling their reflections!

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

…hanging out does not make one an artist. A secondhand wardrobe does not make one an artist. Neither do a hair-trigger temper, melancholic nature, propensity for tears, hating your parents, nor even HIV – I...

I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.

It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.

What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?’I smiled. ‘The stupid kind. Didn’t you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?

The sexiest advice:Dear humans, stop role-playing in your lives; these sort of things are meant to be explored only at times you won’t mention in public.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you’ll have to go see the good doc anyway.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part...

Not kill us,” Pigeon corrected. “She was mainly just trying to turn us into mindless slaves.

flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide my patriotism among red, white, and blue foliage.)

I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

Eisenhower and Patton, old friends and figures crucial to the Allies’ upcoming success, conferred over yet another gaffe on Patton’s part that could have cost him his command. Patton’s head is on Ike’s shoulder in...

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing,...

I asked “What do you even do with a chimera?””What wouldn’t you do with a chimera?” Jeff asked. “They’re like the Swiss Army knife of animals.

Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can’t live without a culture anymore.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his...

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt

Self-loathing is man’s effort to sweep the moon of footprints.

I’m fine,” Kate said. “In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better.””Bad deduction,” Jessie said. “If that were true, I’d be dating Harrison Ford by now.

Mine.

A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.