Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, ‘Throw your donut in the opposite direction and the cops won’t get you.’ I love wearing that t-shirt.

The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

It took a qualified wizard to detect a summoning in progress. It required only a half-literate idiot with a twitch of power and a dim idea of how to use it to attempt one. Before...

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to...

I couldn’t exactly blame Jane Austen for being a romantic. What the hell else was there to do back then for fun?

It was supposed to say “Great Artist” on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say “such a good teacher/daughter/friend” instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big...

I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online.

Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust...

Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?” Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.”Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know,” Claire said.”Then why are you all up in...

I had a dream about you. We were trying to come up with a hashtag to market our relationship. I suggested #fourlipsonekiss and #twomouthsonevoice, but you went with something confusing like #idontloveyou and #wearenotinarelationship.

Oh, hell, he’d look hot in a chicken suit.

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

She jotted down the order, then forced herself to meet his gaze. “It’s going to be a bit of a wait, we’re short-staffed this morning.” The following words rushed out of her. “And breakfast’s on...

I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it was still too heavy for you to lift.

Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today, and try it out with me. Go ahead—give me all your love.

I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my...

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.

How’re we getting to King’s Cross tomorrow, Dad?” asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.”The Ministry’s providing a couple of cars,” said Mr. Weasley.Everyone looked up at him.”Why?” said Percy curiously.”It’s because of...

We were still twirling around the tiny parking lot when the neighborsscreamed ‘Happy New Year’. Unfortunately we weren’t sober enough torealize that was our cue to call it a night. Josh had a new beer...

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

Fortunately, he’d found that most people were easy to locate at five thirty in the morning. .

Because I’d already done it… does that make sense?

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Don’t get mad, get everything. 🙂 Ivana Trump

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

I’ve aged more this past week than I did in all six days that preceded it. Will you still love me tomorrow, when I’m an older man?

With the development of the printing press, not only could text be mass-produced quickly, it could also be mass-produced quickly and incorrectly.

Someday, my young friend, you’ll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me.

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

I had a dream about you. I had a flat tire on the interstate, which is really embarrassing for a hitchhiker who is using that tire as a substitute for pants. You were the only...

The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Never tell people when to meet; tell them when to leave.

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.