If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.

Gordon Edgley’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book,...

Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven mitts, because they’re sure to be hot.

It’s fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who’s hearing Cinderella for the first time.

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

Hey, Alec,” he said.The man was on his hands and knees, leaning his face into the middle of a bush; he grunted something that kind of sounded like a “Yeah?””Why are we spending so much...

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

I didn’t want to go to hell, but even the idea of reclaining my halo scared me because it would mean leaving Aly.

My advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms…faster.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

From: Christian GreySubject: &*%$&*&*Date: August 23 2011 11:23To: Anastasia GreyBelieve me when I say there are a great many things he’d like to do to your ass right now. Firing you is not one of...

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:The past, present, and future walk into a bar—it was tense.

Comamandering is not a word.It has letters, doesn’t it? Sounds like a word to me.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.

Her sculptured face was as perfect as a painting.

Read that dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field when urinating or defecating. Trying it myself this week – so far so good!

If she did bitch-slap me, I’d bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.

Sing your life; any fool can think of words that rhyme.

In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she’d been on. The last...

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

Th’ first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr’m time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th’ shelf is th’ main thing.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

Somebody stop the world. I’m scared and I want to get off.

It’s a philosophical minefield!”Cabal had a brief mental image of Aristotle walking halfway across an open field before unexpectedly disappearing in a fireball. Descartes and Nietzsche looked on appalled. He pulled himself together.

The whole damn century would’ve made more sense backwards. Where we ended is worse than where we began.

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

I glanced over, he was still looking at me. ”Uh… do you need something?””No.””Oh, okay.””It’s just…” he leaned in, ”…you have an onion ring taped to your back.””…Excuse me?””There is a ring of onion applied...

Now you got us whammied with the curse of squirmy death.

I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left.

Does it hurt now?” he asked, his tone rough and seductive.”No.” She shook her head again and sighed, trying to pretend his touch didn’t make her uncomfortably wet.He grinned. “So…what’s with the heavy breathing?

Little WordsWhen you are gone, there is nor bloom nor leaf,Nor singing sea at night, nor silver birds;And I can only stare, and shape my griefIn little words.I cannot conjure loveliness, to drownThe bitter woe...

The question isn’t whether it’s SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.

I had to kill and eat my pet chicken. It was dinner for one, because the night before I killed and ate my grandpa.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Look out Below!” Air Asia’s catchy new advertising slogan.

That’s my point: if you own thirty or more books, or you are reading any book at this moment, you may protest all you want, but you were born on the wrong continent.

Love is like walking while riding a bicycle. It’s pretty hard to do when you’re curled up like a cat, sleeping in a wheelchair.

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

It’s not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It’s the hope I can’t stand. ~ Brian Stimpson, Clockwise

An educated theologian: someone who’s better at rationalizing what they’re pretending to know.