I’ve never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It’s only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the...

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

When I’m old and I brush my teeth and her dentures, I’ll smile because that is love—and that is disgusting.

{Calpurnia)”My mother…she’s desperate for a daughter she can dress like a porcelain doll. Sadly, I shall never be such a child. How I long for my sister to come out and distract the countess from...

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you.

I hate when I look in my closet and find clothes instead of Narnia.

Feed me, you moron.

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you’d have one tragic haiku.

I’m tired again, I’ve tried again, and now my heart is full.And I just can’t explain…so I won’t even try to.

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?””Yes.””You called her a liar?””Yes.””You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?””Yes.””Have a biscuit, Potter.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

Don’t touch me – I don’t know where I’ve been.

When I asked my da how ye knew which was the right woman, he told me when the time came, I’d have no doubt. And I didn’t. When I woke in the dark under that...

You can’t be extinct if people aren’t even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don’t know.

Seventeen, eh!” said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.”Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?””Vaguely,” said Harry, grinning up at him. “Didn’t you smash down the...

…every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition (“That would be my husband”, was the standard comment).

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

Death should take me while I am in the mood.

I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to lick her living word machine (mouth).

I gave up on cussing – I’d run out of words filthy enough – and just started praying.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Tooth Fairy” Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

I promised her the world, but instead I bought her a globe.

It me birthday and nobody came…Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in...

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so...

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.

She should’ve interviewed Snape,” said Harry grimly. “He’d give her the goods on me any day. “Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school…

The BALLPOINT PENGUINS, black and white, Do little else but write and write.Although they’ve nothing much to say, They write and write it anyway….

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.

God, I envy him,” St. Vincent said feelingly, rubbing his own dark-circled eyes.

And his computer’s spell-check always forces him to capitalize the word “Internet”. Come on; World War Two earned it’s capitalization. The Internet just sucks human beings away from reality.

That’s chess!” snapped Ron. “You’ve got to make some sacrifices!

Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it...

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the...

I went on vacation and it rained like coffee drip brewing. It must have rained several inches, and all in a concentrated area about the size of a coffee pot.

I’ve missed you, Sebastian.””Have you, love?” He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. “What part did you miss the most?””Your mind,” she said, and...

Contribute to No More Lies Dot Org. Every dollar you donate will bring us 75 cents closer to the truth.

To what extent does anybody control his destiny? Life is very much like falling of the edge of a cliff. You have complete freedom to make all the choices you want to take on your...