I hope you’re pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed – or worse, expelled. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed.

When your soul gets dry, you could either water it with alcohol—or love. You could use water, but remember—there can only be one Michael Phelps.

It’s only through sheer force and luck that she’s yet to take over the world.

That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

When I grow up, I’d like to be dangerous.

I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.

Politics is a foggy mire full of snakes.

In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public...

Do onto others what others won’t do for themselves. If they won’t save their money, I’ll save their money for them.

Despite her unrepentant aversion to Italian food, which her husband put down to her nation’s historic distrust of Italy, she suddenly declared: “All I want in life is to be able to get a take-away...

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere,” said the toad. “You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is...

I don’t think you should be an Auror, Harry,” said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. “The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They’re working to bring down the...

Ah, fish, there is no fareQuite like a flounder! They surely will not missA piece or two from stacks of sole like this;I’ll steal a few, but leave the lion’s share.Look! the lamplight on the...

Liz pasted on a smile, trying to appear normal in light of the fact that he had possibly incriminating knowledge on her from the background check. She hoped her application for a marriage license with...

I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?

There was hardly an eminent writer in Paris who was unacquainted with the inside of the Conciergerie or the Bastille.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite...

Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.

Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee, and that’s why I had a wad of dollar bills.

…When a man first awakens, it sometimes takes several moments before he starts thinking clearly.””And here I thought it took several years, perhaps a lifetime for the average man’s intellect to kick in.

In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled with secrets.

I don’t have a lot of domestic instincts,” Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, “but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose...

I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which are forgotten the next day. A pal never forgives, he just forgets, and a woman...

Don’t be stupid, it’s a flying house!

Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.

Board the cows! We’ve come to enslave your marigolds.

Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don’t bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it’s very powerful, and should be used sparingly.

One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.

… a metaphor … is like lying but more decorative.

While this might seem a bit abstract, these numbers are not arbitrary. They are symbols, which represent pieces of paper, which represent pieces of gold. Gold doesn’t represent anything; its value is inherent in its...

It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)

He can talk!””Yes, I can speak any language you want, fly, and breath fire.” Air Raid said proudly.”Can you do anything else?” the boy asked.Air Raid thought for a moment then said, “I can sing.””No,...

If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.

I’m a doctor, I know these things,” I shrugged.

I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you.

Heaven has no taste. Now—and not one single sushi restaurant. A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?

Love dances in my heart like a nudist in socks. Boy, that jig is awfully jiggly.

I am not sure I trust you.””You can trust me with your life, My King.””But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.

The remote isn’t broke—it just needs batteries. Well, it’s the same with my love.

The flowers like me back.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

Yes, she’d made a mistake… but she wasn’t going to be bullied. You couldn’t let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people’s watercolors.

They don’t hardly make ’em like him any more – but just to be on thesafe side, he should be castrated anyway.