I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long...

A guilty conscience is jealousy’s playground.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

Use Jesus Motor Fuel—Put a savior in your tank!

In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.

They turned to Angel. “We will call you Little One,” the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.”Okay,” said Angel agreeably. “I’ll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat.”...

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

Jev stroked his chin. “Do I look like a summer fling?

He said, I won’t have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that she’d...

Ah ha!’ the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ”The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

As someone who grew up in the Bronx, I certainly learned my share of four-letter words, but none are more powerful than nice.

The whole damn century would’ve made more sense backwards. Where we ended is worse than where we began.

I don’t understand how I could have believed you were a warm, affectionate, and tenderhearted person! You’re obviously as prickly as a porcupine and any man who comes close to you will end up with...

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

Why couldn’t you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

I have been to the speed of God, sir…and I discommend it.

Now you got us whammied with the curse of squirmy death.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

Nosferatu is the daddy of modern American sex.

I deciced if I were ever to get into booze and women, my line would be, ‘Excuse me, madam, but I would really love to bed and muss you. . . . Are you perchance...

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

Sarcasm, as it turned out–even when it was instinctive and quick–cut into the time one had to manufacture one’s escape.

That’s my point: if you own thirty or more books, or you are reading any book at this moment, you may protest all you want, but you were born on the wrong continent.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as...

He committed the crime of stupidity while under my command,” said Citizen.”Oh my,” said Rigg. “They’re handing out the death penalty for that these days?

I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right...

We are not going to die.” Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. “We’re not?” “No. And do you know why?” He shook his head. “Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And...

An educated theologian: someone who’s better at rationalizing what they’re pretending to know.

This,’ whispered the Doctor to Romana, ‘is going to be like trying to find a book about needles in a room full of books about haystacks.

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

I would actually write books totally full of nothing BUT kissing scenes, but apparently people like books to have, like, “plots” or whatever.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

I’m so pretty, it’s hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that?

Max would conclude, “that’s who I want to be. The pope. And I’ll do the same thing he does. I’ll keep all the goddamn money.

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

Let come the forces of night! We will stand!” “We will get the hell out of here is what we will do,” I muttered.

She lifted me back into the seat with a wicked grin, and breathed, ‘Just don’t stop talking. Whatever you do, just don’t stop talking,’ and swallowed my manhood. I scrambled desperately through the darkened corners...

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.