Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of...

That’s like my love for her.” At first I was sad, but then I smiled when I realized I’m more of a sofa kind of guy.

I knew that kind of thinking was paranoid, but after the wacky crap that had happened to me over the last couple of months, these days I’d be suspicious of a jolly white-bearded man in...

Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.

It’s why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own...

A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

We’re a couple of travelers!” I called up to her. “I’m Briony, and this is Ella!””Grammy said I ought not to talk to strangers!” she called back.”We’re not strangers!” Ella shouted. “We’re with the union!”I...

When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster.

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.

Abe held my gaze a bit longer and then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. A celebration. And look: hereʹs our newest member.ʺ Dimitri had joined us...

A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company of others who posses similar intellects and interests. And as I have just...

—,Así que no vas a preguntar?Lo estudié, entrecerrando los ojos. Tenía un mal presentimientos sobre esto. Pero las palabras salieron de mi boca, totalmente fuera de mi control.—,Por qué te llaman Horse?—Porque me cuelga como...

And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long...

I believe in love like a flower bud might believe in Buddha. But, then, I’m a romantic, and you know that because in the last presidential election I voted for Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.” “Fondue?” he asked hopefully.

They turned to Angel. “We will call you Little One,” the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.”Okay,” said Angel agreeably. “I’ll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat.”...

Parsley is gharsley.

Jev stroked his chin. “Do I look like a summer fling?

I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted it back from across the restaurant.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

I don’t understand how I could have believed you were a warm, affectionate, and tenderhearted person! You’re obviously as prickly as a porcupine and any man who comes close to you will end up with...

Jack had wondered how geometers could be so inventive as to produce so many types and families of curves. Later he had come to perceive that of curves there was no end, and the true...

Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

Spelling bees? Spelling bees do not scare me. I competed in the National Spelling Bee twice, thank you very much. My dad competed in the National Spelling Bee. My aunt competed in the National Spelling...

Nosferatu is the daddy of modern American sex.

50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going to come from? Mars. The thing I’m selling? Love. Supplies are unlimited, and...

I’ll return the compliment by saying you have very nice veins.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as...

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

Cery: So, Hem, tell me why I shouldn’t see how many holes I need to make before you start leaking money?

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

This,’ whispered the Doctor to Romana, ‘is going to be like trying to find a book about needles in a room full of books about haystacks.

(…) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away...

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?

My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from the sky first.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

Okay, I may cry just a bit but it’s only because it’s an Austen-era reproduction and anybody would feel the pain of destroying something so lovely.

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that?

I can’t give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you’d set it on fire.

Life is a joke, even though it is not always funny.

I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips,...

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.