Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.

Obsessing over a boy makes the time fly.

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment — I need to see how they dance.”Okay.’ She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads...

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

I’ve never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple...

bad breath and butt smell; that is prison, in a nutshell.

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

What’s blacker than black? Does summer shade have a shadow? Is that how loneliness looks and where it lurks?

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees.

Presque tous les hommes meurent de leurs remèdes, et non pas de leurs maladies.

What if I shave?” he said. “I look much better when I’m shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? ” He didn’t wait for the duke’s...

As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you...

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish and state.

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

That guy doesn’t try hard enough, Steve,” he said. I felt weirdly ashamed when he said that. So much so that I went into his room and urinated on his bed.

If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

My dreams have wings. But not soaring eagle wings, more like the wings of a butterfly—colorful and easily ripped off. The last time my dreams got ripped off was when I shopped at Walmart, the...

The greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away...

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.

Never borrow trouble, the payback’s a bitch

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited...

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripper I bought off eBay. But it was just a pair of shoes I ordered. Didn’t matter, I still...

I’ve never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?””I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

I’ve never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It’s only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the...

To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only smaller. In keeping with the frugal and Puritanical mindset, they even share the...

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

{Calpurnia)”My mother…she’s desperate for a daughter she can dress like a porcelain doll. Sadly, I shall never be such a child. How I long for my sister to come out and distract the countess from...

So it’s true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.””If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know.