In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird,...

Harris, as he occasionally explains to George and to myself, has daughters of his own, or, to speak more correctly, a daughter, who as the years progress will no doubt cease practising catherine wheels in...

Paying attention is more important to reliability than moving slowly. Because he pays close attention, a Navy pilot can land a 40,000 lb. aircraft at 140 miles per hour on a pitching carrier deck, at...

You can’t even begin to fathom the amount of fucks I do not give about what you want.

Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

If someone said ‘diametrically,’ could ‘opposed’ be far behind?

I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we could, because I make love buffet style.

Well, really, how would you like to make love with someone who kept twittering about his pure mystic modality and wanted to stick flowers in your navel?

Shakespeare used the word ‘flush’ to indicate plenty of money. Well, just remember there was only one Shakespeare, and he was the only one that had a right to use that word in that sense...

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

The best gift is one that’s paid for by the recipient. My love for you is for sale.

When they reached the stairs, he didn’t make her climb them herself. He picked her up in his arms and carried her to the big bathroom off their bedroom. He didn’t speak, his expression didn’t...

You are your mother’s trueborn son of Lannister.””Am I?” the dwarf replied, sardonic. “Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he’s never been sure.””I don’t even know who my mother was,”...

We weren’t really friends yet, just knowers of each other’s secret stuff.

Maybe I should, I don’t know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don’t want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional...

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

Getting to know somebody new—it’s part of the fun of avoiding people.

You don’t fuck with fate, Oz, because she’ll ass-rape you with no lube, wearing a spiked dildo.

I had a dream about you. I was a melted ice-cream repairman, and you had a microwave for a head. You made fun of my trade, so I made you eat tinfoil until your head...

Every time we start thinking we’re the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, ‘I’m sorry. What’d you say your name was again?

Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.

Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth...

Like, a flood seems like a great way to punish every living creature in the world except for fish. What the hell is a god supposed to do when all the FISH start being assholes?

And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.’ Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did!

Earth is sad, Moon is shy, Sun is happy but wait a moment, I just forgot to tell you that I am the child of open sky.

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. “Yum,” she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. “It’s made with tofu.”I can’t resist. “Free-range tofu?”My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes...

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

Now then, Mr. Crab,” said the zebra, “here are the people I told you about; and they know more than you do, who live in a pool, and more than I do, who live in...

Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often speak to me when I’m trying to read.

Nor the last…

One hot yellow Hummer with optional mass destruction package, coming up.

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

He still wasn’t looking at me, which meant I was still in trouble. I swear, sometimes this partnership is like being married. We fight all the time and neither one of us is getting married.

Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. […] I’d seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it...

Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce.”She waved her hand. “Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money.” She wrote away.”I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three people surveyed) stated that my armpits are the greatest thing since Louis XVI....

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

That’s how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.

Flowers, fragrance, and freedom make me think of her. Love turns the opposite inside out.

Because of their DNA, most men loved a damsel in distress. Every time a man sees a pretty lass in trouble, even the boorish slob-of-a-man transforms into a chivalrous knight-in-shining-armour. This was why most women...

When did my house turn into a hangout for every grossly overpaid, terminally pampered professional football player in northern Illinois?””We like it here,” Jason said. “It reminds us of home.””Plus, no women around.” Leandro Collins,...

In his opinion, working was vastly overrated. Particularly as a way to build character, for everyone who engaged in it was far too snappish and fussy, and seemed to have no manners at all.

There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.