Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

i find nothing more depressing than optimism.

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

So when the moon’s only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?” “You could say that.””Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.””I’m a...

It took a qualified wizard to detect a summoning in progress. It required only a half-literate idiot with a twitch of power and a dim idea of how to use it to attempt one. Before...

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be as pragmatic or as brutal.

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels.””Oh, they do that!” Amy laughs. “Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though,...

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

And if you say that’s because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I’m disowning all three of you.

Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.””At least you know he’s still available.

It was supposed to say “Great Artist” on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say “such a good teacher/daughter/friend” instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big...

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

It’s so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it’s like, religion, you really can’t take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary…but, on the other hand, science is just...

I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.

I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To make things right I might just call Phillip and hang up.

I think that’s possibly the nicest thing you have said to me. Ever.”I laughed. “No it’s not. I’ve said nice things to you before.””Like what?”There had to be another situation when I’d said something nice....

Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.

I had a dream about you. We were trying to come up with a hashtag to market our relationship. I suggested #fourlipsonekiss and #twomouthsonevoice, but you went with something confusing like #idontloveyou and #wearenotinarelationship.

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire...

The sheep, I guess demented with love, didn’t object to this at all. Casimir somehow found time to pull up some grass for it, and it lay down and munched its grass and then chewed...

Oh, hell, he’d look hot in a chicken suit.

I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.

From the moment I was first pregnant, and those around me insisted that treats such as cold cuts and nail polish could cut my unborn child’s potential IQ in half, I got into the habit...

Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working-...

I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it was still too heavy for you to lift.

That’s the thing with Holy Moses: big as a house and scary as heck if you don’t know him, but Charley Manson and his whole family could come parading through here and he’d give them...

Let me tell you something, honey. When your boobs fall south and that pretty skin of yours looks like you’ve been tanning in a nuclear war zone, you’ll see what I mean about independence. When...

Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today, and try it out with me. Go ahead—give me all your love.

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good...

She made an impatient noise. “By the Angel, you don’t know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?””Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love...

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

I’m probably something like 95% chicken nugget

I like the sound of that, crashing Monica’s party,” he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. “What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?””Blow me Shane.””Boys,” Eve said primly. “Language. Minor...

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

You’re probably better at math than I am, because pretty much everyone’s better at math than I am, but it’s okay, I’m fine with it. See, I excel at other, more important things—guitar, sex, and...

You ought to eat something.” (Simon)”Look who’s talking.” (Jace)”I’m out of blood right now,” (Simon)”Unless you’re offering.” (Simon)”No, thanks. We’ve been down that road before, and I think we’re better off asjust friends.” (Jace)

Don’t get mad, get everything. 🙂 Ivana Trump

Do you see that man in the black Porsche?” I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. “Yes,” they said.”Your partner.””He’s homeless. He’s looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in...

Sometimes when it looks like I’m deep in thought I’m just trying not to have a conversation with people.

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.

Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.

I had a dream about you. I had a flat tire on the interstate, which is really embarrassing for a hitchhiker who is using that tire as a substitute for pants. You were the only...

…[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American ‘Labour Union’ in that among other things, it treated working women with complete equality. While in this respect the English, and still more the...