If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can’t buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept–similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn’t looked so sweet, we would have killed him while...

It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is...

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it’s a leg, of course.

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food because it’s made out of cats?” Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.”Genevieve, that’s just gross and wrong. Don’t say things like that. Bubbles is a...

I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a...

I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.

It’s all bullshit, folks and it’s bad for ya.

Well, a lady isn’t exactly what they are expecting.

There exists an oasis where inspiration bursts forth like black gold from the fertile loam and every odd bellbird chirps a melody worth remembering. There’s no bloody map or nautical chart that can deliver you...

She makes my heart flutter, like a butterfly with the wings of an eagle.

contemporary poetry is a kind of Reykjavik, a place where accessibility and intelligence have been fighting a Cold War by proxy for the last half-century.

He’d been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin’ ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that’s for chumps....

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

I, on the other hand, believe that books, maps, scissors, and Scotch tape dispensers are all unreliable vagrants, likely to take off for parts unknown unless strictly confined to quarters.

I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.

I had an aunt named ‘abnormal Shauna’ once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

Juliet’s version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

I mean, what does a devil want but to find meaning in life after a long journey of turmoil and troubles?

This boy was so far out of my league it was embarrassing. I found myself staring at him, trying to find some minute flaw that might justify dragging him back to my level. Finding nothing,...

Even now – in the final hour of my life -I’m falling in love again.

Crossing the small wooden bridge, just past the rubble, Gabe ducked off to the left and swooped underneath into hiding. Once sure he was secure, and could not be seen by those that passed overhead,...

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

Somebody tell Uncle Sam the ultimate stimulus package is a bottle of Viagra.

You run away to join another circus.

Josh Funk and Hunter Fraser: we haven’t been in touch in years, but you made me feel like the funniest kid in the world. I would stay up late on school nights to write things...

I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount.

But you’ve loads of shoes,” he bellowed joyfully. I shook my head sadly. Men just don’t get it, do they? They’re definitely missing the shoe chromosome.

All three combined is…a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.

I want to leave a legacy. I’ll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.

I’m not worthy of you or your Omega awesomeness.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

I had a dream about you. You were so cute, and I was holding you for a long time. We went for a walk, happily strutting down the street. We saw a couple others but...

A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?

I had never thought much of genealogy. A lot of wasted time collecting the names of the dead. Then stringing those names, like skulls upon a wire, into an entirely private and thus irrelevant narrative,...

Lots of people in history have only done their jobs and look at the trouble they caused

I could have could haved, but instead I did have. Is there any other way to love?

I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.