The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.

When she shines we all bask in her happiness, but when the thunderstorms come in, let me warn you, find a faraway hiding hole.” Dorothy Broadbelt, lady in waiting to Queen Elizabeth 1.

He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.

It’s funny when people say something is “unreal” about something that is, in reality, real. I’m so guilty of it, it’s real!

Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!

Hate.

YOU’RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said.That’s what being alive is all about.

… for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors,...

I long to belong like a midget longs to be long. Footlong hotdogs are 12 inches too short to take seriously, and I vote with my wallet. Sadly, there are no refunds in politics.

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.

I figure that’s about all you require.

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

Total confusion, disconnected nothing, absolute bewilderment. It’s an enigma wrapped in a mystery, stuffed in a burrito, and smothered in taco sauce.

I’m on a shoestring budget, which means I don’t have any extra money to buy the surrounding shoes to even lace up.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

The outer garments of to-day will become the under-clothes of some destined to-morrow, and centuries hence a man found walking on the public highways dressed as you are will be arrested by the police for...

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given...

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of … piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she’s ripe?

She has so much junk in her trunk. Boy, I wish she’d just drop it all off at Goodwill.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

If you had a daily printout from the brain of an average twenty-four-year-old male, it would probably go like this: sex, need coffee, sex, traffic, sex, sex, what an asshole, sex, ham sandwich, sex, sex,...

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler’s neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for...

A series of howls and war cries echoed through the camp….The werewolves and Japanese had attacked.”-pg.353 Forbidden Nights with a Vampire Kerrelyn Sparks

How did my semen get on his anus? Simple—the lipstick. But that’s politics, no?

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.

Yes! I’m me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don’t understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books...

Remember when only a few people had mobile phones. Generally regarded as an object of derision, you would occasionally see business types clutching those ridiculous grey bricks to their faces and mutter to yourself ‘what...

I had a fistful of huhs, and a Ziploc bag full of questions—and a sandwich. But I didn’t bring them, because my lunchbox was full of love.

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

M.T. Stone was the poster boy for what an assassin should look like.

You’re weird,’ he says.Despite everythin, I smile. ‘You’re always saying that, but in fact, you’re weird,’ I say.’Yeah, I know. Remember? That’s how I can tell you’re weird, too.

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be ‘and,’ ‘the,’ and ‘I,’ and ‘it,’ and so on, and there’s a huge number to choose from, so a lot...

Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe...

I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.

Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

Did you ever wish you had a book that would explain the full meaning of life’s random happenings to you?

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

This is a lovely party,” said the Bursar to a chair, “I wish I was here.

It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn’t the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other...

I put the lover in clover. Especially if there are four leaves.

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that’s both is dental.

Die Kirche muss erkennen, dass sich die Erde weiter dreht. Nachdem wir es immerhin geschafft haben, zu akzeptieren, dass sie sich überhaupt dreht

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

If they look as though they’re worried, we’ll move in.”And do what exactly?’ said Polly.’Threaten to shoot them,’ said Maladict firmly.’And if they don’t believe us?”Then we’ll threaten to shoot them in a much louder...

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.