I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?

General fiction is pretty much about ways that people get into problems and screw their lives up. Science fiction is about everything else.

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization,...

Not kill us,” Pigeon corrected. “She was mainly just trying to turn us into mindless slaves.

There’s bird shit on my toilet paper, and my asshole stings from such a long flight.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet remain detached from any personal blame.

Yes, Marks, disguise. A noun describing a means of concealing someone’s identity. Often used by clowns and spies. And now apparently governesses. Good God, can anything be ordinary for my family?

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing,...

Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your...

I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.

Xavier, you have given me more grey hairs than all my sons put together.’ Saul frowned, then corrected himself. ‘To be fair, you and Zed. Just try not to add to them tonight.

Damn,’ someone behind me says. ‘I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

I looked up from my paper and tried to remember her name. I was drawing a blank. That’s what happens when I doodle in invisible ink.

Scientists used to do an experiment whereby a dog’s repeated reward for performing a task was unaccountably replaced by punishment. The dog, knowing it would be penalized for doing well or doing badly, would become...

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt

Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.

If you’re going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God’s sake.

We have to go back and help Gabe.

Mine.

If you let something scare you to death, then the worst has happened.

Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

And indeed there will be timeTo wonder, ‘Do I shed?’ and, ‘Do I shed?’Time to turn back and stretch out on the bed,And give myself a bath before I’m fed –(They will say: ‘It’s the...

Shigure: We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call ‘misdirected rage’. I believe the technical term is being an ass.

I was hoping against hope he’d refill his Prozac so we could be in love again, but, sadly, that never happened.

Does the king know you’re back?””Nope! I’m trying to think of a properly dramatic way to inform him. Perhaps a hundred chasmfiends marching in unison, singing an ode to my magnificence.””That sounds… hard.””Yeah, the storming...

I had a dream about you. I was a mannequin with a record player for a head, and you were an aspiring DJ. You lusted after me and I was appreciative, because you were the...

Wearing that? Wouldn’t you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan, honey.

I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.

He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t put food on my table.

She glared at me. I didn’t care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine.

Or — and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it — the book was true and reality was lying.

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

Hespe’s mouth went firm. She didn’t scowl exactly, but it looked like she was getting all the pieces of a scowl together in one place, just in case she needed them in a hurry.

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

I make love like a sandwich ate at my best friend. It’s only happened to me once, and I very nearly didn’t have to pay for it.

Just holding out for a better offer.

Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

I have an erection. I just got it. It was an early Christmas present. Do you think she’ll be mad that I unwrapped it early?

Robert Todd Lincoln, a.k.a. Jinxy McDeath.

If you party, then I Ben. I’ve been Benning since the beginning. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you are not alone. And thank God, because is there any worse feeling than being...

She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter.