I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.

If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.

Barish ho gayi, meri Gari dhul gayi

Norman picked up a sketch, glanced at it, then put it back down on the table. “I saw Bea Williamson this morning,” he said in a low voice. “Lurking about looking for cut glass.” “Oh,...

I wonder if a fish’sOne and only wish isThat other fish will never say,”This fish is sure delicious!

Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.

It’s not cold in here, you’re just dying.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

I’ts better with the right hand than with the wrong girl

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window...

. . . Mrs. Lambchop sighed and shook her head. “You’re at the office all day, having fun,” she said. “You don’t realize what I go through with the boys. They’re very difficult.”Kids are like...

By journey’s end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling “the...

I long for your love like the length of a midget.

If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

World domination is just my side gig.

The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this.” Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and...

Golden Arches’ are the gateway to the afterlife.

They worried to an excessive degree about getting gender correct, as if elves gave a shit. Humans could keep their concerns about everyone’s genitalia to themselves.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don’t be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on...

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof Ihope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am notunderstood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profoundis...

Everything’s temporary…until it’s not.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy...

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

Today I am amused, and I haven’t seen anyone yet.

Sometimes, I wondered if I might speed up his words by grabbing his wrists and finishing his gestures for him.

Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”I grinned back.

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

original boyfriend” not obstetrician – was just ridiculous looking.

naked fun time,” which was apparently what Joseph called it. There were some things people should never know, and that was one of them.

I act delighted, but I have zero interest in these Capitol people. They are only distractions from the food.

Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

There’s a kid or some kids somewhere. I’ll never know them. They’re particle-puzzle-cubing right now. They might be mini-misanthropes from Moosefart, Montana. They might be demi-dystopians from Dogdick, Delaware. They dig my demonic dramas. The...

Piece of Heaven?” “No, that other place I’m going to go to for thinking what I’m thinking.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.

It took me several minutes to persuade myself to watch the news. During which time I gave myself a stern talking to. That turned into me considering a local pub that would be the perfect...

It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories.

Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like an extended blink. That way, if anybody asks if you’ve seen it, and you say No, you fell asleep halfway...