I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).

She started dialing his cell, then hung up and tried the landline — maybe Margaret was a better bet to pick up; their parents’ generation still felt morally obligated to answer phones.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.

…flames moved towards himand dropped within-singed and marred his tender skin …(the frightful plight tale)

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. “Oy!” yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. “There’s a fackin’ queue!”Never apologize, advises Lloyd George....

Man has to eat, so thank God some food tastes good. However, if men had no taste buds, or sense of smell, all food would be good. So hooray! And also boo for boring. That’d...

Har. Bloody. Har.

I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

Time changes nothing, girl, but the size of your underwear. . .and hopefully your hairdo.

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle...

Don’t worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever. — Neville Fletcher

You gotta make it a priority to make your priorities a priority.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.

Mow the carpet, vacuum the lawn, and make love like war.

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom.

Hey, Geekoid!” yelled Duncan Dougal, “Why do you read so much? Don’t you know how to watch TV?

I’d like to open a restaurant. Would you eat at a place called Filthy’s? The name would be better than the food, which in turn would be better than the service.

Life’s a shit sandwich, my ass. Life’s a polka and don’t you forget it!

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for...

One man’s deviance is other man’s lunch break.

I don’t really like coffee, she said, but I don’t really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.

I don’t eat applesauce, but I do eat applause. I don’t use a spoon—I eat applause with my hands.

So, Belle, what’s new today?”Dad,” I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. “I’m in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world.”Gosh, Belle. When someone asks...

Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.

There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.

I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car.

This is me.’” He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose...

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

There it was: a full confession. Sherlock Holmes had done it again, and as I marveled at my devastating powers of deduction, I wished there had been two of me so I could have patted...

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.

He had no idea about the ‘loving deeply’ part. Scarlet was the one love he’d had. They’d married the weekend after they’d discovered they both like sangria. He’d thought they were waltzing through life and...

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

But I was starving! You know I always forget my lunch—and who expects me to concentrate on Advanced Manga Drawing Level 2 when visions of pork buns and powdered doughnuts dance in my head? Teacher...

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit,” Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. “They’ve obviously never met me.

I don’t run errands. Usually I jog.

«Pink heißt Rosa», erklärte Tatjana in oberlehrerhaftem Ton, «aber Rosa-Färben heißt nicht Pinkeln.»

She’s so small, yet she contains so much evil.

I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with...

I do not know if all cops are poets, but I know that all cops carry guns with triggers.

You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.

You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let’s call it a date.” Needless to say he wasn’t Mr. Right.

When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.

Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don’t ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you

Ourchestra:So you haven’t got a drum, just beat your belly.So I haven’t got a horn-I’ll play my nose.So we haven’t any cymbals-We’ll just slap our hands together,And though there may be orchestrasThat sound a little...