He is a man, I think,” he said, “who cares for nothing but a joke. He is a dangerous man.”Lambert laughed in the act of lifting some macaroni to his mouth.”Dangerous!” he said. “You don’t...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I think it was love. She was the kind of woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with—if I’d just been told I have six months left to live.

Try me, and you start LOVING!!

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

The theist and the scientist are rival interpreters of nature, the one retreats as the other advances.

Ah, Morganville. Where dressing to hide blood stains was just good daily planning.

Our first point of discussion is the hunt. (…) My idea is to start the film with an image of the vixen locked out of her lair which has been plugged up. Her terror as...

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I think now is the best time to be in love. No other time in history is more perfect than right now. Especially since I’m currently drinking coffee.

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you’re the one getting slapped with the stick.

George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

Never mind that. What’s going on with you and Heath?”Annabelle pulled a little wide-eyed innocence out of her rusty bag of college acting skills.”What do you mean? Business.””Don’t give me that. We’ve been friends too...

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

A body is a body.” Viscarro shrugged his bony shoulders. “Dead, alive, alive, dead. I fail to see the importance of the distinction.”Yeah? So you’d just as soon fuck a living person as a dead...

Superfluous is just too super. I feel like the word needs something extra, like a cape.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.

Coffee is the only brown liquid I’d drink out of a toilet. Well, almost the only one, as I’d drink number two for the number one in my life.

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

In the deepest, darkest depths of her heart where she kept all her dreams locked up in a pink journal decorated with ponies and unicorns, she’d fantasized about declaring her love for Sasha Karimi for...

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

Life never goes according to plan. That’s okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder.

I wear glasses. They improve my hearing, Helen Keller style. And I sip coffee like a mute orator on a meteor. Drink up the deafness.

{Summertime she speaks of winter, she eats ham, but speaks of beef, got a good man but, flirts with another. She might as well go to hell, cause she ain’t gonna be happy in heaven...

I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

You know, when the list of people who have a really good reason to want you dead covers more than two sheets of paper, you might want to start rethinking your life choices.

Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.

The thing about friends is, you never know when you might need them. It’s always best to keep them imprisoned nearby.

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

‘Jane’s World’ has pushed the boundaries for mainstream comic strips: girls have kissed, punched each other, have been abducted by aliens, taken steamy showers together and turned into monkeys. Jane has been through a lot...

Oh, it better not have just peed on me!” he screamed.

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

I just thought it sounded good.

I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I...

In the tortoise and the hair fable, I believe the tortoise represents big business, while the hair represents small business. Not featured in the fable is the six-ton snail, which represents the government. Not only...

I had a dream about you. You made the coffee and I made love to your sister. Everybody agrees: we need more cream.

Star, pillows don’t attack dogs,” Sam said.”Or anything else,” Turtle added.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their...

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe...

In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?