Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter’s forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. “Wake. Up,” Four snaps....

I make cuddles the way I make clam chowder—without complaining and without jelly. If you assume the position, I’ll put the biscuits in the oven.

The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSoD is the universal screen saver in Hell.

This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.

New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president,...

Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay...

This is going to be murder,” Fransic whispered to Mr. Trimes. “Pure murder.””I’m glad to see your confidence returning, Mr. Tucket. Just a few minutes ago you were ready to give up. Now you’re talking...

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.

It’s okay,” I said soothingly. “You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.”She groaned. “The horrible part is that...

I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner.”He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

Fantastic. I always like my days better with a touch of insanity,” Gabriella quipped.

I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one – black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in...

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

We have rules One-Ear.” The man smiled faintly at Mrs. Francis. “Ladies are not to be hacked apart with swords. It reflects badly on pirates in general and on our outfit in particular.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

You let me handle Marius,” I said. “Now, you didn’t come without you dagger.””No, I did not,” he said, lifting his cloak to reveal it, “And with your permission I would like to plunge it...

Very Like a WhaleOne thing that literature would be greatly the better forWould be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and metaphor.Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons or Celts,Can’ts seem...

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride – where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

He’s stubborn,” Tux warned in a singsong tone.”Stay out of this,” Mark spat.”And touchy,” Tux added.

None taken, Agent Fraser. During the course of my lengthy life, I have been called many things, but ‘freakin’’ has never been one of them. I’ll consider it a novelty.

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he...

Genua had once controlled the rivermouth and taxed its traffic in a way that couldn’t be called piracybecause it was done by the city government, and therefore sound economicsand perfectly all right

[G]randma was always afraid of something. She set aside time each day for dread. And not nameless dread. She was quite specific about the various tragedies stalking her. She feared pneumonia, muggers, riptides, meteors, drunk...

Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?” Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher.Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it...

I mean, electric shock? Isn’t that a bit… electric shock-y?

Clearly, I am not afraid of the dark.

EVERY WOMAN THAT QUOTES ME IS A PIECE OF SHIT.

Oompow,” which I would translate for you but it’s devastatingly embarrassing.

I heard this story once,” she said, “where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin’ stuff about the universe and everythin’ from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and...

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.

Your LIFE is a PUZZLE, don’t waste your time trying to place people where they don’t fit

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

You gotta want it.

Humor is a universal lanuage.

If life is a game… I need new dice!

An Alabama-faced man with a Georgia body once told me I had the smile of an Emily. That made me grin, which is definitely not how an Emily would react, so I knew it couldn’t...

Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.

Angie: “How do I pitch these ideas to her?”Mira: “From a distance, preferably wearing body armor.

To Mr. Blot, who went through life an unconscious example of the raison d’être of the British Empire, a shipwreck was merely one of the many things to be ignored. His was a calming influence.

The boldest of the three (thieves) moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. “We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?” he snarled. Someone sniggered. “I hope you’re not...

I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them.