I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re the last person in the world I’d ever imagine marrying again after ol’ Mr. Flaccid Flagpole.

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

If a man can’t love you for who you are, he’s not worth The Dior Gloss.

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.’The first one. I really resent being called the second.

The Emperor Napoleon Buonaparte had been banished to the island of Elba. However His Imperial Majesty had some doubts wheter a quiet island life would suit him – he was, after all, accustomed to governing...

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

Before grabbing a mythological creature, I’d recommend putting on oven mitts. Especially if you pick up a Phoenix.

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn’t nipple, although there are similarities.

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of...

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

Hi, you’ve reached Caitlin! I’m either on the other line or I’m purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again… Leave a message and if I deem you...

Emblematic of this era was the prolific Viennese surgeon Theodor Billroth. Born in 1821, Billroth studied music and surgery with almost equal verve. (The professions still often go hand in hand. Both push manual skill...

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick...

It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

After all the shit that went down with Calease, I hate sleeping the way some people hate airplanes. Or small, dark spaces. Or spiders. Or being on an airplane in a small, dark space filled...

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

ESPE: So, in both conversations, Lama Sangyay steers you away from thinking directly about Epifanio or your relationship (or lack thereof) and right into the nature of your mind. So masterful.CLARA: Isn’t he? I hate...

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

Have you ever been at a point that you don’t know what to say? But yet you came up with this crazy idea to type this.

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

The words I love you, as a unit, are like a knife that only stings once you remove the blade from the relationship.

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval...

The Sunshine State.

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

Do that again and you’lllose that which you believe makes me whole.

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

Are we not all actors playing parts in another person’s play?

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

The USPS is the only place in the world where you will find a black guy, a white guy, and a hispanic guy playing Filipino poker! And we love it that way!

Trust me, Annwyl, that will be a pleasure.

You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.

Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ the other place yourself.

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.It never is, sir.Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist.I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.

Cats are portable calm distributors. They’re like vending machines distributing peace for free.

the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

Katniss: ‘What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour’. I snap at himTell him that. Thats not nothing.Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be...

Everyone should drink of me, but I shouldn’t be drunk by everyone. I should be drunk all by myself.