You’re not a book person. And now you’re not an internet person? What does that leave you?

Hand me my pants,

I know – I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.”Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.Alice beamed. “I do. Excellent.

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

I only know everything if you ask the right questions.

We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.

But the three hundred and sixty-five authors who try to write new fairy tales are very tiresome. They always begin with a little boy or girl who goes out and meets the fairies of polyanthuses...

I’m like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don’t leave.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?

When you’re poor and hungry and frightened of failure, you often don’t have the luxury of high values, lofty goals, and social conscience. Funny how fear and poverty will acid-wash your value set, burn away...

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.

If pain is a pot of boiling water, humor can be the rising steam.

Every Friday is black where I work.

The guy thought he was Mick Jagger. I felt bad for him.

Ish #303 “It’s a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

I once took a vow of silence that lasted almost two years. Then, on my second birthday, I relented and started talking.

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

My life story is 75% true. But which quarter is a lie? Better check my pants pockets—the one the politician’s wearing.

Pooh,” said Rabbit kindly, “you haven’t any brain.” “I know,” said Pooh humbly.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Will you treat people who make you miserable, as prison guards, or travel agents?

One last word,’ I said in my horrible careful English, ‘are you quite, quite sure that—well, not tomorrow, of course, and not after tomorrow, but—well—some day, any day, you will not come to live with...

It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how my teammates must feel about me. But who cares? They’re just my clones.

A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country.

I USED TOmake love.Now IMake coffee.

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him...

My great-great grandfather and I were the best of friends, although we never met

One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus

Why can’t I just Google it like everything else?! I hate you public library system!

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

It’s a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.

Death can come slow. Death can come quick. If you’ve got one last breath, you better make the most of it.

It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being present in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor. (361)

The best stories come from deep within us and are of us. Either our inner child comes out to play and makes all things possible, or we mold our characters and events from our own...

There are many things evil people can take from you. However, they can never steal your ability to laugh and laugh loud.

Sports fans eat shit.

I stepped in dick. Well, just a puddle of penis. Then I wiped it off my feet and voted it into political office.

To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

Black holes are the last vestige of civilizations obsessed with tinkering.

It is a wonderful thing to be liked by a stranger, but without respect it is pointless. It is like pulling the pedals off a rose and throwing the stem at the person you like....

Sometimes, a word succeeds beyond the wildest dreams of its creators, like a virus sent into the world to infect common speech.

I had a dream about you. When our talks ended, we left off with leftovers. I stuffed our conversation in Tupperware, but you just left it out to rot and decompose.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, ‘What’s wrong?’ Nothing. ‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’ Yeah, you know it takes more...

I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.

Hay quienes dicen que, de ser rubia, podría hacer de Bridges Jones sin problemas. Deben estar bromeando, porque nunca he preparado una sopa azul

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second...

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

Have an itch? Simple—rub poison ivy over the rest of your body, so that all the skin contributes its fair share to a unified, and more hopeful, future. That’s top-level political thinking right there.