I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

Ray was not even cool back in those days. He wasn’t popular, he wasn’t cool. It’s so funny, and now he’s like so popular and everything

One of these days I’m gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

I’m waiting with baited breath to hear that silver tongue of yours.

ONLY’ having the Gift, people appreciate this madness as Art. Everybody wants to have Art in their lives, but no body wants to have what the Art came out from in their lives…

Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life...

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative...

I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

What doesn’t kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep,you’ll get there eventually!

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts.

Then at least you’ll never be disappointed.

I’m tired, I’m hungry and I have a head in a bag,” I warned him. “Do not fuck with me.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can’t be solved, well you can always buy chocolate 🙂

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

The tavern keeper, a wiry man with a sharp-nosed face, round, prominent ears and a receding hairline that combined to give him a rodentlike look, glanced at him, absentmindedly wiping a tankard with a grubby...

Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.

Don’t you want to know what cookies is a code word for?” “No! Good God, no!

They’re not going to arrest you,’ Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. ‘They might glare at you and say angry words, but they won’t arrest you. Well, they might arrest you. There’s a...

You’re a bit crazy. You throw apples in people’s faces when you’re angry. You go off half-cocked half the time. It entertains me to no end. So if you are irrational, I hope you stay...

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don’t know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it...

I understand we’ll be attending your friend Miss Worthington’s Christmas ball. Perhaps I’ll find a suitable– which is to say wealthy– wife among the ladies attending.”And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.

I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted.

Hey, Dru. You were French-kissing awinged snake. Creeptastic.

Have lube, will travel.

I started doing improv my sophomore year.

If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

He wears his cockiness like an ironic T-shirt, but it fits him better.

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what...

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I’d never find use for an English degree. Ha! I’d like to see her knock someone silly with an apron...

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

It ain’t polite to taste people. Shit.

When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.

I don’t get Columbus Day… I mean he gets a holiday for getting lost. This is true… he was trying to find a spice route to India and ended up in the Caribbean…All he had...

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

The wisdom of coming in out of the rain is entirely a function of what’s waiting for you inside.

p.” Stay quiet woman!

To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.