Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Take my wife… Please!

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)