I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

Take my wife… Please!