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Henny Youngman  Quotes
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

-Henny Youngman

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GirlHerNight
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I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

-Henny Youngman

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PlayedTook
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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

-Henny Youngman

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Nice
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

-Henny Youngman

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CostJewishWorth
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

-Henny Youngman

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SawStart
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If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

-Henny Youngman

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KnewLivingMother
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Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

-Henny Youngman

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DrinkJewsSuffering
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

-Henny Youngman

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ReadyWit
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

-Henny Youngman

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

-Henny Youngman

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FindingHerWife
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

-Henny Youngman

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BottleDrinksGlasses
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A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

-Henny Youngman

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HelpSickWoman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-Henny Youngman

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DrinkingReadReading
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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

-Henny Youngman

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TodayWhile
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

-Henny Youngman

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ChicagoFrank
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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

-Henny Youngman

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ArmyHimself
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What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

-Henny Youngman

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Use
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Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

-Henny Youngman

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CoupleFastHideous
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

-Henny Youngman

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AgainOverseas
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

-Henny Youngman

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GuyOnce
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

-Henny Youngman

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PoorStudent
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If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

-Henny Youngman

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SkydivingSucceed
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

-Henny Youngman

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FunnyMarriageMen
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

-Henny Youngman

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GaveOnce
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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

-Henny Youngman

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DoctorGavePay
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My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

-Henny Youngman

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FeetSon
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

-Henny Youngman

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PleasureTook
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I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

-Henny Youngman

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PayTaken
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She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

-Henny Youngman

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GownWashWear
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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

-Henny Youngman

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CemeteryScoutTalent
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Take my wife… Please!

-Henny Youngman

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PleaseWife
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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

-Henny Youngman

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Drunk
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She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

-Henny Youngman

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GirlHipsMatch
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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

-Henny Youngman

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CrazyGuyTop
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She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

-Henny Youngman

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HerTimes
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When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

-Henny Youngman

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Sneezed
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I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

-Henny Youngman

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Woman
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I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

-Henny Youngman

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DieFour
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

-Henny Youngman

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BrotherWash
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

-Henny Youngman

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NumberRoomService
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When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

-Henny Youngman

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AffordDoctor
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

-Henny Youngman

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DoctorPlaces
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

-Henny Youngman

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CooksDressesWife
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You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

-Henny Youngman

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BuyPay
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

-Henny Youngman

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HorseKeptSlow
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

-Henny Youngman

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DogSeparated
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

-Henny Youngman

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DieJewish
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If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

-Henny Youngman

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Sorry
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

-Henny Youngman

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Humourous
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When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

-Henny Youngman

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HumorLife-Lessons
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