There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.