If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.