I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

We don’t have dealings. He just stalks me. I’m popular like that.

red tape,” and start using Caution tape.

Have a great tomorrow

Most kids start talking by age two. I didn’t say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn’t “Mom” or “Dad.” It was “No.

When media distorts the truth, it’s only responding in kind.

I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.

Secret 02.02. By skillfully employing peripheral vision, it’s actually possible to gaze into an abyss without the abyss gazing into you.

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.

It just doesn’t seem right to spend your entire life drinking, when you could be exploring the world.””Or,” Zhy said as he hefted a mug to his lips, “it doesn’t seem right to be risking...

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.

Secret 7591037. Anything they can do to you, they can do for you; and anything they can do for you, they can do to you.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

Secret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn’t what it isn’t.

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

Ultimately, that question can only be answered by you.

Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

A stone trips you. A daisy reaches up and pulls you down.

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It’s depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

This is Simba,” Nicole said, pointing to the lion. “Is he dangerous?” Asked Chase.”Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much.

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different.

A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud.But life did not come with a trapdoor.

I am the mouth that represents the People’s Republic of Chin

Stick.” I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. “Stick. where?” He stared at me in...

I’m afraid of fear, men named Raef, and palindromes.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your...

Your sister and I were just makin’ out.

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

For me, everything definitely comes from music.

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

And to think I was always worried that you didn’t have any friends. I suppose I should have been counting my blessings.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!

The real mystery isn’t what’s under the redaction mark, but what’s above it.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

life has a funny way of testing you to see if you really want, what you say you want.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.

Lucien had never prayed before, never imagined that there might be a deity listening who would be interested in what he had to say, so his supplication skills were a tad rusty.But now Lucien prayed.Please...