Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.

Most good actors have a huge intelligence about the human condition and a real open heart to different kinds of people and behavior.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

The great William Shakespeare said, “What’s in a name?” He also said, “Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.

I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and...

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words ‘Monty Python’ to me. It’s not bad.

I just thought it sounded good.

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did...

Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.

Yes, fuck Christina. I think she’d like that.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

If you’re funny, if there’s something that makes you laugh, then every day’s going to be okay.

My gun turned back into a pumpkin.

Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.

And that sort of reinforces to me that fact that he causes so much trouble, and never really pays a price for it, which I think he should.

Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn’t.

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn’t even learned the fine points of kissing yet!I marched on down. ‘For your information,’ I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention,...

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is...

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on...

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He...

Secret 9.6. When writing a contact report, the term ‘intense vocalization’ should be used in place of words like ‘moan,’ ‘pant’ and ‘sigh.

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

I’m still that little girl who lisped and sat in the back of the car and threw vegetables at the back of her head when we drove home from the market. That never goes.

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me… It was an accident.

Executive Intelligence Summary: Machine out of order. New order, on order.

Agatha had so much love she could fill a room. A room filled with strange men, which she often did. I don’t care if every single man in that room looked exactly like me, they...

There is no future. You’ll see.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

While my radar gently beeps.

I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes sense. Now if I also lived in Cheeseland (Wisconsin) it would make perfect, yummy sense.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

I wish I could play up my sexual awkwardness as autism, and insinuate myself into the realm of genius. But I’m not a genius. I’m merely a humble sex god and virtual love machine.

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That’s how you can tell I’m inexperienced? Because, if so, that’s just rude. And what were you doing at...

For our fourth date, I said I wanted Italian, and she said she wanted Chinese. We decided to compromise and meet at the movie theater after we’d both eaten.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

Through such advanced techniques like sleeping, I started exploring the depths of me. And until you find out who you are, or stop yawning, I suggest you do the same.

I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.

Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.