If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

According to research from punchaguywithglasses.com, homeless people are making as much money as most recent college graduates.

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

I remember the first time I fogged up your astronaut’s helmet. That night we made space like outer love. But I kept it cool like Coors Light in the fridge, even though I felt heavy...

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I Google myself to find out who I am as a person.

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

I’m a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

Secret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.

I’m on the west coast. I am Lewis and Clark. I am Lewis Clark. Like the time I got a Denver Omelet in Dallas with a girl named Charlotte Washington.

I found her lying naked on the lawn at midnight, can I keep her?

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

You’re drunk as four skunks, you idiot.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.

I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

I once inscribed the word “Ennui” backwards on my forehead, and I was so bored that I stared at it in the mirror for hours. And at the end of that time, I felt like...

So that’s it?” Kenji says. “You just like him for his personality, huh?””What?””All of this,” Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, “has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and...

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

It’s only sixteen ninety-five,” I say with a flutter of my lashes.”You’re serious.”I prop my hands on my waist and stick out a hip, striking a pose worthy of a supermodel. “Look at me. Don’t...

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

Directing is creating a whole. You’re able to combine different elements and create a film that is unique and true to your vision.

Don’t wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.

There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.

New York is not conductive to theater. New York does not encourage its young. It does not encourage experimentation.

So just bust a move!