The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

All I remember is the last time I played a videogame, it was Space Invaders.

No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

Elizabeth.”I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it’s a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she’s telling me what it is. I...

Right. So no plans at all then?”Jenna frowned. “Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?””Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed...

I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said.

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers… only they don’t critique me and then get up for coffee.

Around about now, young John Owen comes out of the shack lugging my old musket from the War. At six years of age, our youngest boy already knew his business. Not a word, just brings...

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

How could I not fall in love with him,” she asked. And on the tail end of her words, her bedroom door flew open and closed just as fast.Jen bent over, panting heavily as she...

I ain’t never seen a creature like that before, she says. He’s so smart, he’s-More, like a person than a bird? I says.Yeah, she says. That’s it.Whatever you do, I says, don’t tell him that....

It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too....

Kendrick walked over to her purposefully, hauled her up into his arms and gave her a mock frown. “I hunger, wench.”Genevieve put her arms around his neck. “Well? What are you going to hunt us...

You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I’d still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You’ll hear my flattering words when you see...

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t

Normally ghosts didn’t scare him. (Assuming, of course, Gaea hadn’t encased them in shells of stone and turned them into killing machines. That had been a new one for him.)

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

I want to remember our fallen heroes. And after I’ve spent a day remembering them, I want to extend my arm and help them up.

If you’re passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

OK, maybe one iota, or two iotas at most, but definitely not three.

I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat.

Guess we’re going north,” Dev said slowly.”Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy’s in the well.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash...

I’m beginning to think my name has been changed to ‘Damn it’ or ‘Asshole'” Styxx

Is the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?

My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.

Oh, doctor. I think I’m sick I need some penis-cilin.” I fake cough again into my hand.

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it’s cute.

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.

Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

I know how to tell a woman I love her in seventeen syllables or less. I’m not talking about a haiku, I’m talking about grunts from an orgasm.

Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night.

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet…Ew, did you…?””Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him...

The 27th letter has always been my favorite letter of the alphabet. But, then, I also love ghost stories, invisible beings, the supernatural, and Bigfoot. Just ask The Mythical Mr. Boo, who’s first name begins...

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!

I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.

Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.