For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

I began to think I quite liked her really. It’s always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.

Cedric, man, it’s like if I’m working with you, like I’m sitting here now talking to you, I want to get along with you. That’s how I am. I feel like if I get along...

Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if...

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

It’s so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

I’ve always wanted to go out with a bang, that’s why I carry two bricks around with me wherever I go, so when I leave a room I clap them together.

I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

Oh my, you big stud, your dancing boobs have enchanted me with your hypnotic sexual magnitudeness.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

Sexton: I think the whole world’s gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It’s always like this. You probably just don’t get out enough.

Aurora sagged. “Why is it,” she asked, “that every time I’m with you two we end up stealing something big?””We always return it,” Donegan said, a little defensively. “Maybe not always in one piece or...

Without setbacks there’d be no comebacks, and everyone loves a come.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

Your mail could’ve waited.” Daemon followed me into the kitchen. “What is it? Just books?”Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn’t heart books didn’t understand.

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.”Owww!” he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn’t mean it.”If you think I can understand that,”...

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.

I’m taller than my father, and taller than two of the stones at Ban Drochaid.””I meant in feet,” she clarified. Speaking of the mundane gave her a measure of calm.He eyed his boots a moment...

I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, “Wait until we’re finished eating.

I am not fake, I am just to good to be true 🙂

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

Look at your eyes. You’ve got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.

I’m sorry.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”- Cruz

If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of...

How do I know you’re who you say you aren’t?

All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there’s no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don’t-need-a-mirror kind of way.