Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

It’s funny how a hello is always accompanied with a goodbye. It’s funny how good memories can make you cry, it’s funny how forever never seems to last, it’s funny how much you would lose...

I can spot a polka dot dress from hundreds of circles away.

Everything they said about me was so full of lying. It wasn’t funny. None of that stuff was true. I am totally sane. I didn’t do drugs.

A brick could be an object to measure your life against. Are you square, rigid, and inflexible? If yes, are you in the military? If no, why are you acting like a brick?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

Do you think they’re going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this?” I scoffed when he twirled me back into his embrace. “Keep it up, and I’ll put you in...

The old agility was still present and the passion was undeniable, but it was the wobbling of the gut, the puffing of the cheeks and the profuse sweating that lent the performance its true magic.

He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.

Shit down your computer, and restart.

Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit,” I said

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. “You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don’t you, Mouse?””Nope!””Ahhh, I’m hurt. Nobody likes me.

Growing age can kill the beauty, not the style.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

In lieu of Tasers, you’ll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I’ll turn into a bat to get away from you.””Fight or...

A crazy old lady, leading a band of teenagers against an angry supernatural Entity – who’da thought?

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else’s, I’m happy to do it.

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.

Simon!” Clary shouted, and seized his arm. “What?” Simon looked alarmed.”I’m not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn’t a very attractive...

I am the Hooray Distributor. Hold your hands flat, not like begging for money, but as if you’re about to applaud. Now clap, damn you.

…what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn’t remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

The pimple is perfect.

I drink coffee like other men paint pictures of naked women. I do it because I love the full body.

But thanks to the efforts, the initiative of the United States and of the several countries from the world, from Europe, including Turkey, it ended within a few weeks.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

I didn’t mean it as a compliment!

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through –...

Adam’s hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It’s like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist’s secret laboratory

It was all Mrs. Bumble. She would do it,” urged Mr. Bumble; first looking round, to ascertain that his partner had left the room.That is no excuse,” returned Mr. Brownlow. “You were present on the...

what’s meant for you will reach you in time, and if you embrace it with your arms wide open it might just stay with you forever and bless you with more happiness than you could...

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a...

Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?

Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn’t bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Don’t confuse efforts with results….

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Pops added,”you know, they say if you don’t vote, you get the government you deserve.””And if you do, you never get the results you expected,” (Katherine) replied.

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

No such word as can’t. No such word as babagoozle neither!

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

That’s not even a word,” He complained and fell into a sulky silence from his place on the bed.