I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.

So they finally gave you the license to kill, about time.

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

This is no time for drinking a mug of water – which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don’t drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on...

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

He laughs. “Put some clothes on so you don’t scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on.”I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I’ve got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit....

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

Taste the rainbow bitch.

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

Don’t make me angry-kiss you.

I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, ‘You think the gods have no care for man? Why, you can see from all these votive pictures here how many...

I’m simpley one hell of a butler.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

What do you do when you’re in a room of vampires and the most dangerous one tells you that youknow too much? You bolt. What did I do? I hyperventilated.

An old man with overalls walked by; I don’t think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

Using love as a bait and replacing respect with ego-pampering makes you a skillful social animal; unfortunately, all kinds of animals are less evolved than human beings. Would you like to evolve?

Every time you strip my sword, I owe you a kiss. How’s that sound?” I bit my lip to keep from giggling. “That sounds really dirty.” Patch waggled his brows. “Look whose mind just rolled...

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.

Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder.

Poison.” he said, deadpan. “That’s an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much.”She’s a treasure.” Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm…..Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they...

He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.

A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted...

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?””No, m’lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.”Great.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Monsters have the worst taste in women.

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn’t been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.

Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I’m just saying.” – Warren