I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of...

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

He should probably make love to her.

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it’s not a lie.

Ladies and gentleman,” he said over the speakers, “welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I’d like to go over the safety features of...

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

Who-who are you?” Seth asked, hesitantly.”Wh-what do you want?” How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I’d only seen the movie...

My God, no wonder people like being tied up.

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

The Rangers were founded over one hundred and fifty years ago, in King Herbert’s reign. Do you know anything about him?” Halt looked sideways at the boy sitting beside him, tossing the question out quickly...

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.

I don’t like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I’ve never heard a phone ring before and I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Hello?

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after...

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

Push my buttons, and I’ll push you off a bridge. 

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some...

I can’t see anything” he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. “I’m blind.

Two things in life are certain: uncertainty, and I’m not sure about the second thing.

Larry’s such a liar—He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three...

everything is negotiable. everything.

Well, well, well,” said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. “Well, well, well, well,” replied Pavel, not to be out welled.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked ‘out of syllabus’ questions by life!

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is ‘please’? That’s not true. The magic word is ‘puke’. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

How did you do it?” I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. “How did you guide Sophie’s soul? I thought you were a reaper.””He’s both,” Nash said from behind me, and I...

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

Sane is boring.

a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it’s like they weren’t even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There’s always time to be humble later, once you’ve been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

Yield.

you’re so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure