A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, “How to Build a Boat.

Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge.

Take off your shirt.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.””Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt...

I knew it!” he cried, jubilant. “I thought ’twas you, but there’s more of you now. You should’ve seenthe likes of her, boys,” he said, turning towards the other convicts as he pointed at Kel....

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument…and the occasional bar fight.

The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the...

The world is full of unrequited love,’ I said finally.’You and Patrick having problems?’ Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.’No, I was just wondering what you would say if...

I knew we were destined to be lovers from the moment she tied me up and stuffed me in the trunk of her car.

Caroline’s lips thinned, her face flushed. “My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception.” She huffed with pure, disgusted...

Why…do you find this…distracting?

I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror’s defeat.

My love is fountainesque. Is your body drinkable?

It’s not communism, it’s shouldn’t be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It’s our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the...

I’m not a crazy, party-going sort of person.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.

I’ve been single so long that if I hug a brother, he’ll get pregnant!

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all...

Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. “My goodness,” he cried, “I’ve only just realized it! That rascal, with his poisoned cocktail! Anyone might have drunk it! It might have...

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

You knocked the door down.” Disbelief rang in his matter-of-fact tone. “I know,” she answered,unable to say anything else. Unable to look away from his body.”But it’s solid oak.””I know.” She felt the solid oak...

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade’s hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged....

How dare you open a spaceman’s helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could’ve been sucked from their sockets!

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught...

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling...

I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped...

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?

Look, if I were straight, you’d be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I’m gay. Aren’t you grateful?

We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you...

Brookfield High School. How may I direct your call? No, sir, this is not a waste- disposal unit, I’m afraid you have the wrong number.

He is very dry but also very funny… I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it’s not a good place for you to be.

I think it’s something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane ‘I see here that another octogenarian has just died....

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick’s snap-on one piece, or “onesie” as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which...