A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

…I was shocked and astonished when a daring little girl — a cousin I think — having waited under a group of trees in the avenue, where she knew [my grandfather] would pass near four...

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you’re a cruel spiteful selfish slut?…You’re vicious. You’re unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you’re the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in...

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

The show I did in England catered to a broad range of people. I like that. I don’t want nouveau cult status, though I know we’ve got that sort of audience in the states.

I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

So…Now that we got that over with, let’s get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight…Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know...

One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it’s a finite resource, constantly in...

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick...

I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn’t slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend...

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

And remember, it’s also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy.

Hey, Ethan.””Yeah?””Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?””The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice.”He grinned and shot...

I’ve never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I’ve done a lot of stuff. I don’t know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching...

Why won’t you answer my question correctly!

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* …. who...

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on “play dates,” or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a...

Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took’s great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a...

I left Indiana, and I ain’t been back since. I’ve been doing comedy and paying my bills.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

You can just keep carrying me. It’s very relaxing.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs.

Love is a tomato. And while it’s true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.

Everyone has someone to call on when they’re down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.

I visited Seven Sisters Inn, and all I got was a gun pulled on me. But that’s OK, because I brought a spare pair of underwear. Oddly, I didn’t find the man who stuck a...

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

Maybe we should have gone with him,” he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight.”Three of us would make four times the noise he will,” Halt said.Horace frowned, not quite understanding...

Halt,” said Horace, “I’ve been thinking…”Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. “Always a dangerous pastime,” they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt’s unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace...

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Ahhhhh!

It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back...

Which college?”Hmm?”Which college do you go to?’Fletcher nodded. ‘Yes.”I’m sorry?”Oh,’ Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie’s parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll”-Kaname Kuran”I DONT WANT IT!”-Zero Kiryu”HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”-Juri Elizabeth Marin

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

The great William Shakespeare said, “What’s in a name?” He also said, “Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words ‘Monty Python’ to me. It’s not bad.