Every Friday is black where I work.

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

I bet she likes it hard, from behind, probably likes to get spanked too. I mean, just look at her, she has a serious come-fuck-me-face.

Let me set it straight, I’ve done some shit,And maybe I ain’t too proud of itThe monster in your bedYou were begging me “please don’t stop!”Said that I’m a douchebag, won’t call backThe worst hangover...

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

There was a few seconds’ pause. Then Amit said: I meant, what were you thinking just now.When? said Lata.When you were looking at Pran and Savita. Over the pudding.Oh.Well, what?I can’t remember, said Lata with...

Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I´d imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and...

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

You know how some people get sun-kissed, well i got sun bitch slapped

What kind of person doesn’t let you have gummi bears?

I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their...

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

Hey, he’s not using a holster,” I said, glancing at Alex’s on the dresser. He laughed out loud. “Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It’d be so great if these things were...

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month.Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes...

Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Something…normal,” he finally said.

So hologram means–” I finally said.”It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I’d like to do with you right now.

Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead.

In ’87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36...

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I’ll cut you in fer half the business here.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.

What’s the deal with this Malachai?” Xevikan”I don’t know. I just joined him myself. But he seems level. Decent even.” Zavid”He’s with a half-daeve turncoat, a Charonte, and an Aamon, and you don’t find that...

Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.

I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

Oooo…He’s being a saucy motherfu*ker tonight. He does wrong and I’m the one who gets treated like the whore of Babylon. Fine, he wants a show I’ll give him a damn show.

Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?””Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?”That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. “He also said that...

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is!

Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence. One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?

Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.

In my experience with women that I’ve dated and my wife now, is you have to know what they care about. And even if you aren’t a huge fan of it, you still have to...

That’s your solution? Have a cookie?

I want to write a book called, ‘Bonfires and Bras,’ which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.

Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.

In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

Hard-ons don’t make you think less. They make you think stupid.

Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya’s father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.

Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked where his fridge was. She didn’t tell me what his reply was, and...

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.