If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

Sandwiches are wonderful. You don’t need a spoon or a plate!

He wears his cockiness like an ironic T-shirt, but it fits him better.

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.

If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what...

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I’d never find use for an English degree. Ha! I’d like to see her knock someone silly with an apron...

If we’re mad, we’re mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

It ain’t polite to taste people. Shit.

Victoria’s got her secrets. Hey, so do I!

When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.

I don’t get Columbus Day… I mean he gets a holiday for getting lost. This is true… he was trying to find a spice route to India and ended up in the Caribbean…All he had...

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

The wisdom of coming in out of the rain is entirely a function of what’s waiting for you inside.

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second...

p.” Stay quiet woman!

To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

Merrill Krause – “My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.”Granny Lassiter – “Well, if a man can’t stand up to those brothers of yours, you...

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

I haven’t eaten all day.” You see, Jefferson truly reflected early America at that time. He was hungry, and I think you’ll find that most successful people are.

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

You are the night.””I am the night,” I repeated.”You are the night.”I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. “I am the night?””Jane!””Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like...

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.

I’m not sure what ‘batting an eye’ means, but it sounds like it could be pretty fun.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy.

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

If you look up to see a shooting star, you might miss the silver dollar on the sidewalk. But no matter where you look, or where you travel, you’ll never get lost or arrive late...

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.