Do you ride?”She smiled, her fingers lightly sliding around his ear. “Not since I hit that barn”Zach’s hands paused on her flesh. “You hit a barn?” “I had to avoid the cow

I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, ‘You think the gods have no care for man? Why, you can see from all these votive pictures here how many...

His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. “Well, Sadie,” Inspector Williams said. “You’ve got quite an imagination.” “I’m not lying, Inspector....

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.

An old man with overalls walked by; I don’t think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.

Every time you strip my sword, I owe you a kiss. How’s that sound?” I bit my lip to keep from giggling. “That sounds really dirty.” Patch waggled his brows. “Look whose mind just rolled...

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.

The Princess BrideS. Morgenstern’sClassic Tale of True Loveand High AdventureYou had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it.

Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder.

Poison.” he said, deadpan. “That’s an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much.”She’s a treasure.” Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm…..Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they...

Artemis grit her teeth. “I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood.” “Sure Sis!” then he raised his hands in a “stop...

A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted...

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?””No, m’lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.”Great.

Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

I’m going to have to give him shit for all this,’ Shane said, as he wandered around. ‘He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?”People who like things neat?”Its not natural.

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.

Good dog! Nice fetch!””He wasn’t fetching.””Bring her here, boy. Good job!”The dog looked from Zack to me.”I’ve been training him,” Zack said. “Up till now he’s brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he’s...

If she did not wish to lead a virtuous life, at least she desired to enjoy a character for virtue, and we know that no lady in the genteel world can possess this desideratum, until...

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

Oh come on,’Pheobe continued. ‘You’re asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It’s hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.”You should!’ Cassidy agreed....

Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. “Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook....

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

Bush is very clever. When the debate should have been about the deterioration of our cities and the lack of action by government, he sent in his idiot to make an outrageous statement about Murphy...

I thought, What a miserable life he’s had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one...

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

It was dangerous to hit the wrong kid in my neighborhood, because a lot of the guys I played with had fathers in the Mafia.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

I don’t understand why people don’t remember my name.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let’s just carry it over. It’ll...