Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I’ll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I’ve never found an easy way.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Don’t worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.””If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great...

I’ve decided I don’t like books that end with ‘The End’. The fact that there are no more pages, suggests to me that the book has ended.

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

Some vampires wouldn’t react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn’t recommend testing the theory.

The last I knew you were going to a party. just a few friends at the McEvoys’ you told me. The science club, you told me. What happened? You got into a fight about the...

When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now,...

HAMLET I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, ’tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, ’tis very...

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

A cemetery?” I chuckle, but the pitch is a bit higher than I expected. “At night? With a full moon? Um … did you see any, uh, zombies, you, while you were there?”Shiko blinks at...

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it

I think I’ll hang myself under the tree that Agatha and I had our first picnic under. I’ll just have to reschedule my dentist appointment.

All can I say is that exams are damn pathetic

Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should...

You named the chicken, Chicken?” She looked embarrassed. “When we decided not to kill it, I got attached.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

You become so encapsulated in this world of being a star. People listen to what you say, you have this voice, it becomes unreal and you become far removed from the people you came from.

A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).

If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

Aaron: Dude, one thing the guy said is you don’t taunt voodoo.Zak: Am I taunting?Aaron: Dude, you’re taunting the crap out of it!Zak: I am sorry, I am not taunting you I am just talking…Talking...

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL.

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

Two things u just can’t control life and virginity ❤ ❤

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so...

What’s a dementor?”I mean, I can’t even. “Nora, you are no longer my sister.””So it’s some Harry Potter thing,” she says.

The intercom buzzes while you’re changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: “Who is it?” “Narcotics squad. We’re soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs.

Tell the Queen that there’s been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I’m...

The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.

SHUT UP. Both of you. You’re coming with me.” To me he said, “Put some pants on.””Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister...

Don’t say anything. Just act cool,” I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.”Like this?” it asked.”No, I mean act calm.”Mavkel stopped shivering.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

Running after the money and the honey makes the life stunningly funny.

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

Don’t get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria’s...

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?””I care” Simon said gloomily. “Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, “my dear leetle mongoose.” I wish he’d turn back into a frog and hop away.