I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like, how did my mother know that?

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

There are different types of love, and my love for my child is like me and my mum. We’ve gone through a lot of rocky patches, but we never stop loving.

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?” said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. “It’s people they feel sorry for....

No headboards were broken.

I promise you that I don’t want to be pegged, Isa.

Things Isabella Wouldn’t Care About: – Titanic sinking again. – Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world’s most innocent panda. – Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. “Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed a sonnet to my vagina, shall we? You are sending off some major...

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

Let’s play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

He said “cool” like I say a Spanish word when I’m not sure of the pronunciation.

Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

Marcus couldn’t believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he’d been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of...

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

Wisdom of the Ages: “National Symbol” With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn’t our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Iggy. This is not a democracy,” I said,(…)”It’sa Maxocracy.

Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru’s cut. That is if it isn’t a problem.Hatori Sohma: No problem. I’ll stop by the...

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

I feel a strange sensation brewing inside of me. It tickles my throat and forces my lips into a grin. Before I can stifle it, I giggle. And then I laugh.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it’s for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word…” (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)

He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

The human body is the best work of art.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

Pick up a thing,” [Wizard Kadmeion’s]mother would say. “Touch, smell, and taste it. Listen to its nonsense. Then put the funny thing in its proper place.

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin’ ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that’s for chumps....

Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.

brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?