I like to spoon after I fork.

I’ve long ago compromised my eight hours a night.

Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

Get me a slinky.

Mr. Taylor has this habit of emphasizing his point by using three adjectives or verbs in a row. ‘Class, you must know,’ Simon begins [imitating] in a droning voice, flinging her arms around at every...

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

Someday I’m going to go onstage in a dress if I want to.

I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in...

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

Congress: Bingo with billions.

My name is Matt Besser, and I’m an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I’m an atheist now living in...

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don’t know why that is, exactly. Maybe it’s the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it’s something I think I see sometimes in...

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin’ 55.” -Sadie Robertson”Oh, that’s just a suggestion.

come over and try these on.

I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.

The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.”No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We...

Buffoons may have serious faces behind their mask!

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

I like infomercials.

You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive.

The Doctor: I’ve seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It’s massive!

Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that’s my bad luck,” he corrected her.

It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his...

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

Director’s cut? Let’s hope it’s a major artery.

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

If debates accomplished anything, there wouldn’t be a need for intelligence agencies.

Rather than waste a whole day, I would rather spend it counting to 86,400.

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie’s sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look...

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.