Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers...

It’s sometimes funny to watch some people doing something the wrong way but doing it confidently. Even more funny, they succeeded.

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the...

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?

I don’t know,’ he said irritably. ‘Is it meant to improve you?’She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.’Because nothing could,’ he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would...

Did you see that dress?” “I saw the dress.” “Did you like it?” He didn’t answer. I took that as a yes. “Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the...

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he...

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

I didn’t say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley.””Don’t mock me on my sister’s wedding day!””I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad,” was Darcy’s reply.

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? ‘Cause if Ric didn’t eat garlic then my breath’s gonna stink and he’ll think… Oh for fuck sake,...

You thwarted my evil plan.

She’s fifteen!”Nash shrugged. “That’s just a number. It doesn’t say anything about her.””It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ!” I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him....

There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.

I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like “Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah,” and “Ooooh that’s it,” and “Whose hands are those?

You mean you don’t want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

From: Beth Fremont To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder Sent: Thurs, 09/30/1999 3:42 PM Subject: If you were Superman … … and you could choose any alter ego you wanted, why the hell would you choose to spend...

The road to hell isn’t paved with gold, it’s paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that’s backed by a belief that people have faith in other people’s belief in it.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

I have never wanted to punch a highway in the face as badly as I do right now.

I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A typical breakfast for a CIA ops officer consists of a pastry and a piping hot cup of Armageddon.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.

No matter how hard you try looking for love, Orafoura once told me, the last place you’ll find it is in another man’s ass. But that may not be true, because the last time I...

X outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren’t all that interested in set theory anyhow}.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones.

She didn’t sound overjoyed. She didn’t sound even slightly joyed.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails...

Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.

Coach,” Annabeth said, “it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep.””Besides,” Percy said, “you’re starting to sound like Terminus.”Hedge narrowed his eyes. “Is that an insult, Jackson? ‘Cause I’ll-I’ll Terminus you, buddy!

I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me.

How can it be a CIA client state when CIA is paying for it?

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

I remember the second time I took Agatha out. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, and she wanted to go to Burger King. In the end we settled for wieners and clams at Johnny...

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

All right,” Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. “Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?” Okay, so I’m a little distracted. “He’s doing the back stroke.