It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

I make love like Brett Favre threw his first pass as a Green Bay Packer—to himself. Obviously, himself is myself.

Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

I think he was especially happy because I used to kiss this boy in the neighborhood a lot when I wasvery little, and even though the psychiatrist said it was very natural for little boys...

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.

There for a while we had a problem beating them here. It’s funny how everybody has found another thing to talk about.

There is a reference in Aristotle to a gnat produced by larvae engendered in the slime of vinegar. This must have been Drosophila.

I had a religious experience at a crosswalk.

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

Sometimes there are people you can’t make jokes about because the situation is embarrassing, especially if they’re going to be there. It’s just cruel.

I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love?

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during...

No,” I agreed. “The zombie apocalypse is still a few years off, right?” “That’s up to you to decide. Tell you what, we’ll do it for fun someday when you’re really bored.

Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

The primary feature of women is not a ‘beauty’, it’s a ‘mystery’.

I’m fascinated by idiots… Here’s looking at you, kid!

I’ve never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct...

If you have money but not love you will somehow manage, but if you don’t have both then you are in serious trouble.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

A girl can dream can’t she? My new life plan is to stumble into every office of a CEO until I find a Christian Grey.

The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following...

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at...

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

Well, it’s just that… that’s going to hurt a bit, my dear. Go on, bend over. I’ll demonstrate.

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Tease.

Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

you were adorable.

There was expectations that the fights there, the operation there might be extended for several months, even for several years. But within a few weeks it ended, because obviously the Taliban wasn’t a real force.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh.

The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say ‘Thou...

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

Considering the fact that I’ve used it in the past, and know what it is, and seen the results of it, I don’t view marijuana as a dangerous drug.

We really need to find a cure for stupidity, and fast! I’ve heard it’s contagious…No wonder why there’s so many of them.

Sure. What’s the worst that could happen.” Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. “I can’t frecking believe this.”I cringed. “I’m so sorry.””I’m bald!” Giguhl continued. “I look like a freak.””It’s not that bad,” I...