A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

The best day of the week to fall in love is always today. Today will happen again tomorrow, so I’m comfortable sleeping alone for the next 24 hours straight.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend kissing me right before bed. Oh, and...

I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety...

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?

I am becoming morbidly obese as we speak. So what’s the solution? To stop talking.

I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served the saloon’s last drink on March 5th, 1882. Guess I shouldn’t have taken...

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

I use two toothbrushes. One is for my anus, though I can never remember which one. Both toothbrushes belong to my mother-in-law, so I’m incentivized to be forgetful.

A rose symbolizes my love for you, because it’s dying.

The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out a handlebar mustache, and two, grow a mullet. I don’t know, will radiating...

For our third date, Agatha said she wanted to pay separately. And I wouldn’t have readily agreed had I known she also meant she wanted to eat separately too.

It pours itself. My love, I mean. I hope you like a lot of gravy on your mashed potatoes!

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.

My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years, if my math is good. And my math better be good, because if...

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

If I owned a retail store, I’d keep my shelves empty, so it appeared my product was so popular it was always sold out. Of course, I’d make no sales because I’d have no product...

The Man With A Green Apple For A Nose.” This is not a joke.

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.

Boy, the DMV has got to be the strangest dating agency. But I suppose love is worth the wait. If I don’t meet a woman here, there’s this new club called The Morgue I want...

Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of him?

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun.

I had a dream about you. We were debating the nature of love, and you said it was invisible, and I said it was the color of gold. You accused me of being a banker,...

Meatloaf.

I’m aloof in love, like a single horse hoof. All I need to ride off into the sunset is one woman—with three legs. I’m on the lookout for a Buy One Pair of Shoes and...

I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if I was a dentist, and I wondered why more people didn’t brush their...