Tiny Dancer” play on repeat, while I enjoyed the spectacle of a midget stripper dressed like jet fuel (Rocket Man).

Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind of thing. It’s an after day thing.

I can’t marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the same person I’m having an affair with. And it’s not affair to share.

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

Love is all you need in this world. Well, at least until you die of thirst or you freeze to death.

I’ve always wondered about people who live in their cars. I’ll bet for them ordering a pizza is kind of tricky. Should they have it delivered, or should they pick it up?

Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two nostrils. I’ve grown fat on the scent of Helen Keller’s memory.

Relationships are built on trust. If you don’t trust me, how can I ever hope to get close enough to steal your heart and sell it on eBay?

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different.

I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.

I’m crazy in love. I’m just crazy.

I vacuumed my piano, hoping to soak up the last of the concertos. I should sell musical sponges, for the lover in the kitchen in all of us.

I’d like to invent a product that’ll turn 18-year-olds into 21-year-olds, and sell it in front of bars.

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands. They say strangulation is a crime of passion, and I say it’s the sign of romance in a relationship.

If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength. And if you won’t carry my love, you carry a heavy burden.

What’s said in silence is best viewed in darkness. I learned that while reading a bowl of Alphabet Soup.

I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them.

She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.

My love was green—new and alive. Her love was red—full stop. Occasionally and cautiously we’d meet in the middle at yellow.

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy dinner down the drain. It was so good I couldn’t bear to eat...

I’m the same as everyone in that I’m different from everyone. We are all unique, and therefore we are all the same.

I am not who I pretend to be, even when I act like myself.

When I die I’m donating my body to science, because everybody loves a free buffet.

I remember the day coach decided to bench me. We were walking in a botanical garden.

I make love in half. But that’s because I’m much too romantic to refer to it as masturbation.

If you ever find yourself in a blender with a banana and an orange, just start throwing karate chops.

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

Be that as it may, it may be maybe, or it may be May, Bee.

Between was and is you’ll find me—but most of the time you’ll only find me in pictures.

I dropped out of school in the fourth grade to work in a shoe factory before I took up farming. I grew salmon—on trees.

The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).

My nail is a bit rusty.

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

I like TV shows that motivate me to want to improve my life, as I sit listless on the sofa hour after hour, night after night. My desire to self-actualize grows with my waistline. If...

He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his fault. I tried to wrap him as tight as I could without restricting...

I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness.

My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.

I’ll kill my critics with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll use something deadlier, like a knife.