My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

The remote isn’t broke—it just needs batteries. Well, it’s the same with my love.

I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the...

I’d like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could really wave in the wind. It would be the most welcoming flag in...

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.

Tell me there’s a God, and I’ll believe you. But tell me you’re not in love with me, and I’ll shoot you an incredulous look. Then I’ll shoot you.

This couple thought they were as smooth as crunchy peanut butter. But they didn’t fool me with their Bonnie and Clyde act. I knew they were guilty of being innocent the moment I saw them.

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

To not get caught, commit your crime in such a way so that anybody could have done it, because if anybody could have pulled it off than everyone is a suspect, and therefore nobody is...

I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that. I’m the same with cars. If you ever need help buying a used...

I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for your sadness.

I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems. It’s just that I haven’t been the same since...

0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love.

I planted the seed in her imagination, and then I farmed it. Like a fisherman.

All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.

In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.

It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?

Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.

It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette.

A Taste of the Gulag.”

Writing is hard, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to write. Not unless I’m writing a suicide note.

Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor.

Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know.

I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.

The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I made her legally change her name to match that of my love interest.

The Italians say ciao. The Chinese say Chow. And the Americans chow while they say stuff.

Thanks, man, I appreciate you noticing me.” I was upset when he didn’t offer to buy me coffee.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.

In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn’t hear the question.

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I’m going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive in a bad mood.

I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.

cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

The ChairI’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chairlook like a throne while you sat on it.Amidst your absence, I choose to sit on the floor,which is dusty as a dry Kansas day.I...

There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.

I am you in the future.” The only thing sillier than a clone, is a dream clone.

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.

I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.

Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped over. But they must be, because I only seem to listen to myself.

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.

In 1901, Jacksonville burned down in a fire, killing only seven people. Well, the fire killed four people, and I murdered the other three.