In 1901, Jacksonville burned down in a fire, killing only seven people. Well, the fire killed four people, and I murdered the other three.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.

It was raining cats and dogs. My clothes were saturated with meows and barks.

Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.

Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.

For me to enjoy a salad, I need the right dressing. Vodka is salad dressing, right?

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at you with?) My love for you is Louis Braillesque.

If I share your bottle of beer, I’ll take the left side.

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.

This core concept is so fundamental to her life that she even had a custom grand piano made where the keys aren’t black and white—they’re green and red. As a side note, do you think...

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

Have lube, will travel.

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

A blanket could be used instead of a blindfold when kidnapping someone. And the trunk of your car could be rented out like a cheap motel room to a midget.

The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?

Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance.

If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.

I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.

This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a patch of Bigfoot’s fur, and a patch of land on Pluto (limit one...

It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.

America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.

Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to...

Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.

Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand for one thing—a public willing to remain seated like obedient children, while they...

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on.

Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.

I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

I’m a party animal. And that animal is a bear, during the winter months.

I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!