I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do....

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

Yesterdays.” I know, I work there every tomorrow.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

A woman wants all the men to love her, and a man wants to love all the women. And as for me, I just want to be a shepherd, though not for sexual purposes.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.

People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to catch all the worms halfway across the world.

I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.

Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench.

The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer.

When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.

I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?

We made love like the 1930s, only it wasn’t quite as depressing. Also, it only took me a half a decade to bring myself to orgasm.

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!

Love between two people is sacred, and also secret—and shouldn’t be shared with a third person. But come on, you can trust me.

The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair...

I always order a small coffee in a medium cup—to leave room for cream, without subtracting from the full amount of coffee I paid for. I’m like that with love too, except I don’t need...

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.

There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look like masterpieces.

The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret, or cat, in the bag in the first place? I thought only kidnap victims were...

I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

I want to get married. But first I need to get a divorce.

As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.

The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need...

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.

My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.

My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you more than I love you.

Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.

I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.

My cat just licked my eyeball. Probably because I look like an asshole. I also look like an asshole.

Grandpa used to like gravy on everything, including his pancakes. If love could be eaten, I’ll bet he’d prefer it with gravy on top. And I’d have to agree. Love would taste better with gravy.

I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.

An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.

Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don’t know anybody named Donald.

Sunglasses block the sun, but why bother with all that when my love could do it more effectively? My love shines so bright it makes the sun seem like the moon.

I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, “Wait until we’re finished eating.

The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.