If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.

I’m not sexually active. I just sort of lay there and slowly thrust.

They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don’t know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You...

I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

Duke!” and the bartender threw me out, because he was a Chapel Hill fan, and I was drunk.

I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable...

I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.

She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

I have a memory like an elephant penis, and it shows. Especially when I wear tight pants. My mind bulges with thoughts of Agatha and I.

If you bulk order enough sound, you get a discount by volume. The guys in the warehouse know me by the codename Helen Keller.

My hands will get dirty holding your rose-like heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.

My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with the same person.

Chew on this fact: nine out of ten people step on bubblegum left by either me or my associates. The tenth person couldn’t step on it because he’s handicapped. But he most assuredly rolled over...

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power.

Dear Edmond,When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton’s Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep,...

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

There is one tree in Gainesville I call “Grandfather” because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually thought it was my mother’s father for the longest time.

I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women.

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

My uncle’s a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.

I am the mouth that represents the People’s Republic of Chin

If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.

My father inherited my old looks.

A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I’m a crackie.

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

For such small heads, little kids seem to have the biggest brains. No disrespect to midgets.

The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a glorious day to be alive and in love.

I make love like a stampede of camels running down the hallway of the 14th floor of a hotel. That’s also known as hyperbole—and the 13th floor.

My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets.

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

I work hard for my money. It feels very liberating to be broke.

Love is like an elephant with wings. If it doesn’t fly, at least it remembers.

Nobody looks at what can’t look. We don’t see what doesn’t see. If love is blind, then so are we, because it’s all around us.

Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I gave her all my love, because it was cheaper than giving her all my money. Now I’m in debt, and now I’m in debt. She had too much interest in me.

I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.