As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.

One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs.

Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were a coin worth 7.5 cents, she’d be that. And I’d be the vending...

My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she’d say I bit a romantic. I bit her on the bum.

My actions endangered countless lives, because zero is countless.

I want a job with a great deal of freedom, like riding on the back of a bald eagle.

I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.

The value of me is equal to 5097033198, but also 3051982. The first is my phone number, and the second is my birthday. I assign values to people. My fifth grade bus driver had a...

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.

A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of a shadowy secret.

If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.

I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with...

If you think my current job is boring, you should see the sleeper I did before. (I worked as a mattress salesman.)

I long for your love like the length of a midget.

Question for your life: Let’s say we’re making love on the moon, and my clone decides to show up. Would you tell either me or him to get lost?

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.

Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by a speeding bicycle?

Everything you swallow will kill you, some faster than others. Swallow your pride, and you’ll love a long time.

My sense of fashion is unmatched. Also, my socks are unmatched. My feet have grown cold, but my love for you has not.

We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but if I want to play, I have to protect myself with a jockstrap.

When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I make love. Honk when you’re finished.

I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona...

She’s too sexy to be a killer—but not a murderer. A woman this beautiful gets a patsy to dole out death, and that makes her a lead murder suspect.

I like make-up sex. My imagination is so much more powerful than reality that it’s just better when I make it up.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, “Better you than me,” I always reply, “Yes, I am better than you.

Making love is second to none. My masturbating habits are first to none.

I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

Her vagina feels like home, while her sister’s vagina feels like a hotel room. I should ask for a late checkout.

He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.

I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

I make love like Siberia, only with less heat and more of an isolated feeling.

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

I’ll bet I could find some hurtful words in a pile of sticks and stones. Something like an insincere and deceptive “I love you.

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept it all these years to remind myself that I’m a winner.