When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label me a romantic.

I play my harmonica when I’m in love, because the harmonica is the instrument of loneliness.

It’s fun!” I only hope it didn’t take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough.

Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.

I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in reverse.

Is love a gift from heaven? If it is, it’s often wrapped in disinterest and rejection.

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.

I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.

I get up at 12:12, because if I have to do it every day, the number may as well be repetitive. And I love you all the time. That time is 3:21 PM.

Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless it’s a sunken statue—in a river of lava.

His twin brother died, and rather than assume he felt sad, I imagined he felt like an individual. Finally, he was one of one, not one of two.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you’re standing in a crowded room?

Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet one. Still, it’s important for me to get out and meet people, even if that means hanging around department stores...

In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird,...

The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily for them, I don’t fight very hard.

Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee.

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time...

What reading level is the word love? It’s a four-letter word everybody knows the meaning of, but nobody can define it.

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But obviously I’ll need help pouring and stirring in cream and sugar, as my...

We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him.

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink coffee now and remember the life you haven’t started living yet?

I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker, so for me, prison isn’t such a big deal. A smile extends much...

Flowers, fragrance, and freedom make me think of her. Love turns the opposite inside out.

I love coffee, and coffee loves me. You know what else loves me? Hookers in hot paper cups.

If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

I soak my white socks in coffee, so I can wear them with brown pants and keep my feet from falling asleep.

I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.

Coffee is made from beans. Burritos also have beans in them, although I’ll admit a burrito isn’t as drinkable as a cup of coffee.

Kevin,” I called dinner.

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but...

Don’t kill animals! Kill people who kill animals! Those animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated! Also, the animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated!

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.