A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

I write sappy love poetry. Mostly about bleeding trees.

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

If the word “committee” were an acronym, the two “T”s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up...

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only...

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

I want to be a man of letters. All 26 of them.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

I’m walking downstairs and upstairs at the same time. I’m in love.

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.