Dinner for two—plus one.

In the long run, a treadmill’s a great investment.

How do new watches catch up with old watches that have had more time to get a head start? This is what I pondered while I waited on her to fall in love with me.

We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

I got ran over by a marathon runner. It was a hit and run.

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to be potty trained.

I don’t want to adopt your ideas, I want to give birth to them.

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.

I unstrapped her bra like I’d unstrap a seat belt, and for the same reason—to live dangerously. And to exit the vehicle.

Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

Our love is secret, like the location of the lost Templar Treasure. Quick, grab a shovel and help me look for it.

We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.

One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date.

As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.

No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.

Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom.

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy, so sure of himself, thinks his odds are 100 percent. The third guy,...

People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies, deception, poverty, and heartache, and I say, Gee, how come I wasn’t lucky...

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

I make my own luck, and I make it in a pot. Then I bring it to potlucks.

Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.

Not too many people are talking about silence. People are suspiciously silent on the subject of silence.

I’ll buy your product and then return your product, and tell you to keep my money, so it feels more like a business transaction, rather than charity, which induces feelings of indebtedness on the end...

I think it would be funny to dye somebody’s pool red and then throw dead fish in it. And before you run out of there, you could leave a stone tablet with these words etched...

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, “Beautiful weather we’re having,” I always reply, “Irrigation and crop rotation.

A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.

People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify...

I don’t know where, but I know how and why. Two out of three out of six ain’t bad.

Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.

If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but the only person I’ll let live my life for me is my clone....

I talked so much about my product that I sold myself. I bought the very thing I was selling, and I think I overpaid.

After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the woman I love—and another one for my lover.

It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is enlightenment. The subject is love, and the end is death.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.

When love dissipates, it’s like dancing with daisies at midnight, and you don’t get easy at it when you’re deceased. And make no mistake, you will die before romance will.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

Funerals, Coffins, and Death. It’s not just a way of life; it’s also for breakfast. Yes, that is the new cereal I’m preparing to launch. Don’t mix it with milk. Pour it on formaldehyde.

If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.