A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator shaft?

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

I made Tuesday Salad like Monday morning is Sunday night. Do you agree on the difference a day can make in the realm of love?

We were in Paris. We were in love. We were with other people at the time and wouldn’t even meet for two years.

I put out the Greg Call, which sounds like a whistle-quack, and a few dozen Toms responded. The only time I need a Tom is tomorrow.

Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it

A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out.

Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.

I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your...

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.

Will work for food. Will work for sex. Will work for the weekend, but I won’t work five consecutive days for it.

Generally, competition is a good thing. But not when it’s between two nipples, specifically mine, over which one can suck the most.

She had eyes like sunsets, and every time she blinked it felt like the end of the world, otherwise known as night.

Erections are temporary, but child support is forever.

I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because...

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.

Cliff said he’d jump off a cliff, and I called it a bluff. I didn’t think he was bluffing, but I did think he should have accurately called it a bluff and not a cliff....

Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Is it better to win over the hearts and minds of the people, or imprison them and torture them into telling you they love you? These are the tough decisions a future tyrant, I mean...

Everyone should drink of me, but I shouldn’t be drunk by everyone. I should be drunk all by myself.

I’ve decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.

The Dome.” Perfectly round, this room is one continuous curved wall of books. A copper dome sits on top with four stained glass windows fitted tight to allow for natural light to stream in. The...

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to wear as a safety harness, I think I’d be much better equipped to...

I can’t talk you out of what your heart is set on. I just hope you set it on the shelf, next to my book.

Happy Birthday.”

I have an abnormally shaped brain. According to neuroimaging, my brain looks like a curled up sleeping kitten. That’s how I make love like meow.

Love rocks. Stones also rock. I wish I could scissors paper my way into your heart.

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.