If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to...

Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.

Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.

Who I am is unimportant. But who I am is very important. I’ll suppress my ego now, every occurring now, so I can achieve my maximum later.

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

I’ll write The Art Of Love, which will be tactical, like The Art Of War.

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.

I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable thing indeed.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or designer, but she is a buyer—not for a retail outlet, but for her...

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.

I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I wouldn’t be rebellious anymore. Did you hear what I heard? Because I heard...

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.

I’m so hungry I could eat a mop. I mean map. I’m so lost when it comes to words.

I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.

My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.

With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love.

His name was Skip, but I didn’t. I waited patiently in line behind him. But do not be confused. I am not the kind of lover who lets other men go first.

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.

Birthday presents come in boxes, like coffins, filled with dead gratitude.

The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on...

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).

Too bad the buttons on my shirt don’t operate the elevator at work. If they did, maybe I wouldn’t have taken off my pants and taken the stairs.

The cup had a lot of volume, so I poured in a lot of noise and sipped it up to my ears. And what I heard didn’t smell like coffee, but it did taste like...

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are unemployed.

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.

I figured out why I have such big hands. It’s to hold all the love I have to offer the world. So don’t get mad at me when I make you bring in all the...

I wear glasses. They improve my hearing, Helen Keller style. And I sip coffee like a mute orator on a meteor. Drink up the deafness.

At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.

What’s the difference between praying and crying? One you’re talking to God, and the other you’re talking to God but you don’t know it.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...

If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery. That’ll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won’t...

Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her.

I introduced myself as the man who’d introduce her to her future husband. Then I called over my clone, knowing full well that after they’d fallen in love and gotten engaged, I was going to...

I had a dream about you. You sold Tuesdays to factory workers on Monday mornings. You had a good thing going, until I showed up with a vender cart stocked full of Wednesdays.

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?