I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would die to save two more like them.

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.

She has so much junk in her trunk. Boy, I wish she’d just drop it all off at Goodwill.

I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted it back from across the restaurant.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

Forget seeing the future. Most people can’t see the present until it’s in the past. Like me, all my I love yous match up with all my ex’s I loved yous.

Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.

You may be dying, but I’m going to have a picnic and enjoy this glorious day. I won’t let your impending death spoil my afternoon.

A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going to come from? Mars. The thing I’m selling? Love. Supplies are unlimited, and...

A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as...

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.

When I make love, I always wear protection. I wear mittens.

When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car and stole the bottle.

For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.

I want to open a 24-hour store called Closed. It’s open, and it’s Closed.

Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages locked at night.

Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

ost.

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable...

Dinner for two—plus one.

My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.

transparent” administration.